Presence vs Absence

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Shared by anonymousdiariesofmine

His scent. I can still smell it on my shirt. I keep smelling it and it feels so good that I want him right now, next to me. I don’t want the smell to go away.
I almost hate the way a smell can have the power to make the past feel real and alive. Wish I could preserve this scent on my shirt so I can take a whiff every time I miss him. But I know that’s going to hurt a lot. These intimate memories should be buried. Tucked away underneath so I don’t have to go through the pain every time I remember him. It’s no good wanting something that is already into the past.

The urge to hold on to him tightly and never let go is hard to resist. His stubble that he habitually grazes with his fingers, his jawline that feels so good when I rub it against my face, his lips I cant wait to feel on me, his neck that I would love to kiss, his chest so perfectly built that I can hug him forever, his arms that I cling onto, his thick hands that remind me how cute he can get… I can barely sit still while I wander about in my fantasies.

The craving can become too much sometimes. I go insane in that split second, not knowing how to push his presence out of my mind. Desperation. Restlessness. Vulnerability. Pain from the old memories playing right in front of my eyes. I feel cornered and alone all of a sudden. Does he know what I’m going through? Does he care? Why am I still asking this when I know the answer already?

I definitely don’t want to be sympathized. Yet a part of me wishes someone would pamper me with sweet gestures that can help me heal. I want to stay as strong as possible through it all. I can, and I will. Yet a part of me wants to break down and cry for hours. This isn’t even new to me. I’ve seen so many of these things happen earlier and I know what I was getting into. Yet it hurts badly. Well, love can be crazy sometimes.

Kadhalai naama thaedi pona athu kadhal illai..
Adhuva nadakanum… nambala pottu thakanum.. thala keela pottu thirupanum
– Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa (2010)

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