At least I loved
A beautiful featured post by Katie Wilhelm
And though I fell into a thousand pieces, shattering on the concrete, with the beautiful parts of me hidden in every crevice of my existence, at least I loved.
At least I felt overcome in ecstasy and drenched myself in vulnerability. It was chilling and black but I dove in anyway.
I ran in every direction, finding an excuse to avoid his star-like gaze, giving him an out by hinting that he will be in too deep with me, that I’m too much for him. I was too much for him.
He fell in love with me before I knew what love was like. It took me longer to see that he and I would be a love story. A complete love story with a fairytale beginning, a climax and an abrupt, pulsing end.
He may have haunted my dreams, killed my confidence and reduced me to a pile of ash but that doesn’t hold a candle to the nights I spent sleeping in his arms, dreaming of nothing more beautiful than my reality.
I shed a million tears of grief when he left but those tears are forgotten and replaced with the memory of tears shed because I saw the sincerity in his eyes and felt the gravity in his touch when he told me he loved me.
All those times I spent sobbing because we were apart blend together into a frothy, cluttered mess. But that one time I shed one tear because I was flying will forever be remembered in the most sacred part of my heart.
At least I loved. At least the warmth of adoration covered me in my sparing moments of weakness and lifted me even higher in my times I spent sparkling in the light.
He fell in love with me without my permission. If it were up to me, I would have forbid him from entering my heart and taking me over. I wouldn’t have allowed him to kiss me until I saw stars and love me until I felt invincible.
If I had a say in this tale, you would have moved onto another, one who was more simple and came with less fears. If I could have controlled the situation he would have never opened my eyes and made me better.
But thank god that he did. Thank god I did not get my way because now I know that the world is not black and white. Now I know that life is filled with beauty and unimaginable treasures.
I see the extraordinary in the mundane and the power in the silence. I understand the movies and the music and the literature. It makes sense now, because of him.
And even though it did not work and I walked away with a heart that was worn, broken and black I wouldn’t have changed it. It made me a bitter person, someone I didn’t love when I looked in the mirror, but I would do it all again if it meant I got to love like that one more time.
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