My heart is a black hole

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Shared by Diana Georgia

Time check. It is two in the morning. Great. It is still early. I think I can still stay up until five. I am listening and crying to a song by one of my favorite rock bands, and I almost had another panic attack half an hour ago. I tried my best not to by trying to breathe slowly through my mouth. Right now, I can’t clearly see what I am typing as my eyes are clouded with tears.

I am lonely and I feel broken. I am aching for you… you who don’t give a damn about my feelings. I have been sleepless for so many nights now because I can’t stop thinking about you. I keep waiting for you, believing that maybe, if I keep trying  to reach out to you, and hoping that you would feel something for me too, you actually would.

But so far, all we have are words that aren’t turned into actions. Yes. I know you liked me, but that was it. Nothing else. We’re not together. We’re not even friends, I guess, because when you’re friends with someone, you don’t make that person feel ignored and alone.

I feel so alone and exhausted. I hope to be able to sleep early in the evening without feeling lonely and not thinking of anyone. I hope to be able to wake up happy and content in the morning, and not having to think of you. I hope to be able to just focus on loving and respecting myself. But again, these are all just hopes, and for the longest time, all my hopes have apparently been going down the drain for so many times.

I am extremely blue, but I have been trying my best to stay happy. I have been pretending to be brave and strong for the people I love. I do it to be able to inspire and remind everyone that there’s more to life than feeling constantly down. While it does great things to other people, it doesn’t cause me anything but constant emptiness. People think I am happy, so they never bother to ask how I am.

And so, I have decided to start expressing how I truly feel and stop faking it. I am sad, lonely, broken, jaded, and empty. My feelings are all over the place. I am so messed up. All because I let myself fall for someone who isn’t ready to reciprocate. I am hurting and bleeding inside. It hurts that I can’t demand anything from you since we’re not really committed to each other. And it hurts that I can’t tell you that I am already in love with you, because you would never believe it.

I feel like my heart is a black hole, yet I am so scared of falling. I don’t just easily fall for anyone, and I would rather prefer having people to fall for me instead. I would even rather fall for someone like me. But I guess we can never stop gravity from pulling us closer to each other.

So when I found you, I instantly got pulled and attracted to you big time. My heart had easily fallen for you, and I don’t understand how and why. And although you were fast enough to escape from it, I don’t think it can ever escape you.

I have cried so much tonight. I have just let out all the pain that has been lurking inside my heart for a long time, and I feel so empty. I am going to stop now. My heart will always be a black hole. You will never see it.


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