Would you take it back?

open letter

Shared by Chamian Cruz

You,

Don’t judge me for still thinking about you every once in a while. Please. Some days I just walk and smile at all the silly things you said. I remember the dreams we had of growing up together. Do you remember the names we agreed on for our kids? I do.

I remember that summer night when I laid on my bedroom floor with the window open, we were talking on the phone and listening to music. We sang along and then all of a sudden you told me about the stars and how unreachable but wondrous they are. That night I couldn’t stop smiling. It was the first time you said, “I love you.”

For a while I think you did love me. I still remember the way you looked at me as I opened my locker in that lonely high school hallway. Yet, when you broke me I didn’t notice it right away. All of a sudden you were just gone and I was on my bedroom floor crying. All the laughs and blushing gone. Not a single drop of love was left like the dew after the morning sun rises. Gone.

I didn’t notice your absence immediately, but when I did I was completely empty. People told me about how there are a million other fish in the sea. They said I would meet someone new and that with time I would forget you, but I never did. I still don’t.

Each day was worse than the previous one. I was so mad at you. Did you think you could take a piece of me without my permission? Did you think you could just walk out? Why was I not enough? Why didn’t you fight for me? Was she worth it? And when I found out you were saying I never truly loved you, that was the worst pain of all. How could you not know how much I loved you? You were my world for that short time we were together. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t keep you and now I knew I even failed at showing you how much I loved you. Failure.

In the end, after the tears had dried and the anger faded away I simply wanted what was best for you. I prayed for you each and every night. You were constantly in my thoughts. I just wanted you to be ok. I needed you to be happy. Our fairytale was only a grain of sand compared to the universe, but that grain of sand was ours.  Not for a single moment do I regret anything that I said or did. Not for a second would I ever take back the time I spent with you and the secrets we shared.

And it still hurts to know I lost you. The plans we made will never exist. I have had to accept the fact that there is no turning back. There is no time machine. I cannot go back and extend the time we spent together. Time has never cared about what we want anyway. I can never go back to feeling your lips against mine or you hands on the small of my back pulling me closer to you. I will never again smell your sweet scent or touch your soft hair. I will never caress your flushed cheeks or trace the structure of your nose. Never again. But I can learn from the mistakes we made.

I can only hope that one day I will love someone else more than I ever loved you. I hope that I can demonstrate to him how much I love him and how much he means to me. I hope to kiss him as if there was no tomorrow and I hope to leave no word unsaid. I will speak my mind. I will be independent too, but this time I will allow him to show me how much he cares. I will let him take me out on dates and buy me flowers. This time, I won’t be afraid to bring him home to my family. I will let life pass us by without over examining every small detail. I will let our love story pass as it should – unplanned.

Each love is different. Every heartache will pass. My heart will mend itself once again and I will leave myself vulnerable for it to be re-broken when I meet the right one. This is life. This is love. People have constantly told me I will forget about you someday, but I don’t think I ever will. I will always keep you in my thoughts, but I think that by now I have finally made peace with you. Thank you for those beautiful moments. Thank you for your friendship and for confiding in me all those nights over the phone. Those were all beautiful moments I never want to erase.

Love,

Chamian Cruz

 


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