The perks of being the one left behind


Shared by D-Soul

You deserve someone better.
You’ll forget him eventually.
Move on.
He’s not worthy of your love.

Those are just some of the lines I heard from my family and friends right after they discovered what happened to me and my boyfriend for more than three years. “Yeah”, was all I could say but deep down inside I wanted to ask them how… How could I ever forget those brown eyes that once looked at me with so much love, those arms that embraced me and hands that wiped my tears? How could I ever move on from the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?

We have been together for more than three years that I almost memorized every feature of his face… his brown eyes and thick brows, his pale lips and contagious smile, his jaw, nose, cheeks and chin that complemented each other and formed a face that was hard to forget. I knew him too well that I could always guess how he’d react in a particular situation or how he’d feel about something. He was someone I looked up to. He was nice and easy to be with, though impatient and stubborn at times. I learned to appreciate myself because of him. He made me believe that I’m someone worth loving. He was more than a boyfriend, actually. He was always the first person to absorb my stress and depression. He was my bestfriend, my confidante.

He was perfect for me… until he wasn’t anymore.

The first few days after he left were like some normal, boring days. Then one day, I woke up feeling heavy but empty. When I realized that there was no “us” anymore, I felt like I was losing everything. I tried to shake the pain off, but I would just find myself spacing out from time to time, until my vision became blurry, then warm fluid would flow uncontrollably from my eyes. It happened all the time. The memory of his voice and laughter made my heart stopped from beating. I missed him every day. I was a mess. All I wanted was to see him and ask him to stay. I wanted him back. I badly wanted him to caress my face and kiss the top of my head- the gestures that have comforted me during those times that I was troubled. I needed to hear his voice to steady myself and feel his arms to stop my entire body from shaking. He really has been a very important part of me.

I pitied myself. I was like remembering all the moments we had together while he was forgetting them. I felt worthless. I realized that I should’ve been nicer and sweeter. He might have stayed if I wasn’t such a brat. I was caught between holding on and letting go… between loving him and hating him. I know I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend, not even a good one but I loved him so much. He knew that. He felt that. And it was damn painful to know that he gave it up. When he left, he brought our dreams with him, but left our memories with me. I was so fucked up. I always wanted to sleep because it has been my way to escape the reality, but even in my dreams, I was still hurt. It was still him I dreamed about. How was that? That was hell.

I was the most important girl in her life, and then all of a sudden, I became just a nobody. I couldn’t accept the fact that after all that we’ve been through, we would just come back to where we started- from being strangers. So I tried to fix everything, but I ended up breaking even more. I learned that when someone left you (for whatever reason), it would surely impair you. And being left behind has changed me as time passed.

And I’ve had enough. I decided to let go. I chose not to chase after him anymore. I just thought that maybe we’re not really meant to be…

Until one day, I woke up not feeling anything…
I am not myself anymore…
I don’t care at all.
One day, my old self died… with my love for him.

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