When you think you still love him
Shared by Brookie
Someday, you will realize something while driving home after a long day. Maybe it will be raining, and you will be listening to sad country songs and watching the wipers dash back and forth to their own beat. Or maybe you will wake up after a dream featuring an old flame and wonder why those memories are part of you anymore. In that moment, you will realize that the only person you want to talk to is the only one you can’t call—your ex.
Maybe it will be six months, one year, five years, or twenty years after the breakup. You could be single, in a relationship, or married. However, at some point or another, you will have to ask yourself the question, “Do I still love him?”
In this moment, when you are scrolling through your contacts and wondering if you should text “Hey” to the forbidden number, ask yourself another question—“Who is he?”
Your dream might have imagined your high school boyfriend to be a prince swooping down from a chariot to rescue you. Loneliness might make you remember how he brought you Nyquil when you had the flu—but also make you forget that he called you ugly at graduation. Your mind will twist his qualities and excuse his faults. It will beg you to give him a second, third, fiftieth chance. However, don’t let the butterflies fly over your eyes—see this person for who he is, the good and the bad.
Next, ask yourself—“Who am I?”
Remember the person you were before the relationship. Maybe you were an innocent girl who believed in fairy tales, or maybe you already had a broken heart. Remember who you were during the relationship. Then, remember who you are now. The ex who greatly touched your heart also touched your mind and your will. Now, your ideas about love have changed. Your perspective toward life has been altered. You appreciate certain TV shows, hit songs, restaurants, and quotes all because of this person. You are a new individual because you chose to love another. It is okay that your ex will always be a part of you—even if you are never together. Somehow, through knowing him, you became you!
Finally, ask yourself—“what is love?”
Love creates this aura around life—it makes flowers seem more colorful and birds sing sweeter. It creates a notion of freedom but also of responsibility. It makes one feel alive just as they are shedding pieces of their heart into their lover’s arms. It teaches things that no one could learn from a seminar; things that must be fought for, cried over, and sacrificed. It changes us.
However, love is primarily a choice. It is a battle to put another person before yourself. It is a fight to give every day and not look back. It is holding tightly, but it is also letting go.
The question “Do I still love him?” will bring your view of love to light. It will make you see who he was, who you are, and where you stand today. It may make you realize that you do still love him. However, you may also realize that you do not. You may miss the rides through the countryside, the early mornings at Mcdonald’s, or walking across the sand together. You may miss the idea of a relationship, the innocence you possessed before he broke your heart, or the idea that love is forever.
But you may not still love him.
Sometimes, true love is saying goodbye. Sometimes, the most caring thing is not to keep revisiting the flame that once warmed your heart. Sometimes, love doesn’t end like fairy tales. Often, it ends more like real life—some joys, some sorrows, some scars, some regrets, some victories.
Sometimes, love is not what we want it to be.
But sometimes, through lonely nights of asking yourself who you are and what love is, it becomes something better.
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