I am letting you go

Heartbeat: My Life, My Struggle, and the Love I HAD

Shared by Diana Georgia

I have always found it very difficult to let go of things and people. At 23, I still find it very difficult to determine what I want. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know who I want to be with. I don’t know where to go, and I don’t know how to decide for myself.

I always find myself laying in bed for four more hours since I wake up thinking of the things I want to happen. Usually, I end up not figuring out anything. Usually, I could think of something but then I would be too lazy to make things happen.

I am just basically breathing and going with the flow. I am just doing things because I need to not because I want to. I am like a part of an herd that just follows. Sometimes I am like a robot that doesn’t feel anything.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do know that something is wrong. I am depressed most of the time and my mood always changes. In fact, it quickly changes. Sometimes I wonder how people could put up with me. I couldn’t even put up with myself.

I hate myself. People around me think I hate them because I always give them attitude, but actually it is myself that I hate. I am out of control and I always make things difficult for people.

I am a hoarder. I hoard things and people. I find it difficult to let go of material things but it is only because I am also sentimental. I oftentimes think it is one of the products of being that woman with depression.

Besides material things, I also find it difficult to let go of people. This is very apparent in my relationships. My relationships with my family, my friends…and the people I get romantically involved with.

I also find it difficult to choose and make decisions. All my life I have been making lots of mistakes when choosing things and people. I never want to choose which makes me look like I can’t be content with having just one thing or person in my life.

Because of this, I have hurt too many people I like. I have hurt too many people I love. And too many people have erased me in their lives already because of how and what I am.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle myself. I always feel like I am the most horrible person that has ever lived and I have always hated this feeling.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I have never wanted to hurt you. I have never wanted for you to hate me, too. I hate myself, but I didn’t want you to feel the same way towards me. I am sorry I lied to you. I was scared of losing you. I made a mistake.

I have been told so many times that to let someone love me, I should be able to love myself first. But I couldn’t. And the fact that I couldn’t love myself makes me hate myself more.

I don’t deserve you. And you deserve someone better. I know how amazing of a person you are, and my view of you will never change. You never did anything wrong towards me. In fact, you have always made me feel better. And I don’t regret having you in my life once. I only regret not treating you right…not giving you what you deserve.

I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. I hope that one day you find someone who will give you everything you need and want. I know one day that will come…and it is sad to know that I won’t be a part of that day.

I am letting you go.

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