Why it hurts to be a heartbreaker


Shared by soinessence

I have been heartbroken before. It felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under my feet, sending me collapsing onto a cold hard floor, that shattered beneath me, piercing my skin as though it was a physical pain.

It was the most dehumanising, gut-wrenching pain I have felt and I’ll be the first to admit that I was lost of grace and dignity when faced with the weeks and months of mourning afterwards. I became a person I couldn’t even pretend to be proud of.

So when I think of how I unleashed that same pain and heartbreak on you, it opens up a wound in my heart that I had once filled with promises to never hurt someone the way I had once been hurt.
I wanted to love you. I wanted my world to be filled so completely with your unfaltering kindness, loyalty and love. It has been an honour to be loved the way you love me.

Your patience gave me the chance to think and to understand myself. Your consistent support has helped me achieve in ways you wouldn’t even consider. Your admiration of me encouraged me to love myself, parts of me that even I didn’t know until you sought to discover them.

I wanted to love you in the same consuming, selfless way you loved me. Knowing now, that I am the cause of your distress, the trigger to shatter your confidence, the heartbreaker to your wonderful, pure heart… There is no guilt quite like it.

You deserve so much respect for maintaining your dignity in your darkest moments. I applaud your grace at still loving me though I hurt you in the worst possible way. I love you for agreeing that our relationship has run its course, not for you but for my best interests.

You will never know how sorry I am that I could not love you enough. I hope that you find who you are searching for. I hope she teaches you everything I could not, and that you keep fighting the heartache in order to achieve a love you deserve rather than one you cling to on a frayed rope.  I wish you the greatest happiness in the world, because that is what sought to give me.

I just wish I could have returned it.

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