Why do we miss bad relationships?

one last cry caterpillar

Shared by soinessence

Maybe all of us have that one relationship that seems impossible to get over, even though we know how unhealthy it was for us, even though we remember how unhappy we were in it, even though there is someone waiting for us, someone who loves us, someone who truly cherishes us.

I wanted to be with you forever.

I put my trust and faith in you for so long, but everything you said you wanted was a lie.

We were ‘us’ once. What you wanted, I wanted for you and what I wanted, you wanted too. We thrived on honesty, tenderness and dedication. But isn’t that how every relationship begins? It eventually drizzled out to you craving space and that’s when you started drinking with them. That’s when I saw a different side to you. My soft, thoughtful and kind boyfriend turned into someone who seemed lost of all the reasons I fell in love.

You would come back at all hours, drunk and sick. I would clean up after your mess and you would think you were thanking me by clambering on top of me clumsily, pulling and prodding me, devoid of care and tenderness. You made me feel like a worthless object when you were in that state.

You would say such hurtful things and conveniently forget them by morning. Did you really expect me to be able to love both sides of you, when one side did nothing but hurt and disappoint me?

You let your friends treat me like trash because they couldn’t cope with one of their boys having a relationship. You laughed. Knowing you were clueless to my pain is what hurt the most. To tell me you spoke to your friends in private doesn’t make up for humiliating me publically.

You blew me off, ignored our plans and preferred to drink and enjoy wild nights out with the boys, getting high, getting smashed.

I tried to find separation. Every time I took a night out for myself, you would shout with rage and frustration. Your friends would find me, warn me that I was acting promiscuously. You would tackle me with comments about how I’d abandoned you and I was so in love I became stupid. I listened, and I almost believed it was true.

You hated to see me in a pretty dress because I looked too ‘revealing’. You hated to see me talk to other guys because I was ‘flirting’. You hated to let me go back to my own house rather than yours because it meant ‘abandoning’ you.

I needed you to change. I begged you to. I needed you to stop drinking so that I could remember who it was I fell in love with. I needed you to have my back against your friends’ comments and to make them quit their over protective behaviour of you.

When I called quits, I hoped and prayed that you would change.

I miss the you that I had behind closed doors. The you I had when it was just us. I don’t view our relationship as abusive.

Instead, I view you as a spoilt child, unable to grow up. I took all the slack from everyone when we broke up. I took all their judgements, all their criticism, and I almost broke but I’ve built myself back up now, to a place where I’m in control again and I’m happy. I do hope you’re happy with your new girlfriend. I hope that she fits into your life better than I ever did. You seem to have finally made the transition into maturity now, or perhaps I’m seeing what the world saw of us, ignorant to your behaviour behind closed doors. I have a new partner now and he treats me with so much love and respect.

So, why do I still miss you?


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