Open Letter: to my First Love
Shared by Lindsay Weir
We met when I was 20 years old. I had just driven across the United States escaping an abusive relationship in attempt to begin again. I was pregnant, but you didn’t know that… yet. I walked inside of a restaurant to apply for a job, and you were there. As I walked in, I watched you stop in your tracks and decide you wanted me at that first sight. As the days went on, you became relentless in your teasing and cruel playful interaction with me, just so you could talk to me. But I avoided you, and pretended to be completely annoyed with you, because I knew I’d fall for you. Maybe I already had. There was “something” between us for certain, that unspoken thing… that thing where everyone around us could see what was forming, as if they knew more than we did…and perhaps that was true.
When we did begin seeing each other, it was magical. I had never known the feelings I was having, or what to do with them for that matter. But alas, I let myself fall for you, I don’t think I could have stopped it if I tried. I only remember the end of that first date, we had been out somewhere (I can’t remember the place) but then we hung out at your place afterwards and talked…I was still guarded with you, because I knew something that you still didn’t know. I can recall leaving your place, walking down the stairs…hating every step that led me further away from you. I could literally feel the force of my heart trying to pull me backwards becoming plastered to my spine as I kept walking forward. I drove home that night wondering if that would be the first and last date after I told you that I was pregnant.
Over the years we were off and on. When we were off we were best friends. You had girlfriends, I had boyfriends. But we’d always find our way back to each other. Although, it never seemed to matter if we were “off” or “on”…every time I walked in a room your eyes melted and I’d melt at the same time just because of the way you’d look at me…you couldn’t hide it, nor could I. And, even though you were not their father, you came to the hospital for both of my boys births. I couldn’t believe after not seeing you for a long time, running into you, and discovering you still carried my first sons’ picture in your wallet… you kept it. That meant the world to me back then. No one, until you, had ever made me so mad, so happy, so crazy, so in love. We had a crazy kinda love, we loved each other in an honest but passionate way that scared us both.
Tonight, I walked into a restaurant, and I saw you. It was almost like a “Deja vu” as if I’d stepped back in time to when we first met. My boys were with me…that same baby I was carrying when I met you 13 years ago… when I cried on your bed and tried to figure out in my 20 yr. old mind how to tell someone I had fallen in love with that I was pregnant with my abusive ex’s baby. I hadn’t seen you in 8 years.
You came over to my table and said “Hello”. I almost couldn’t find my voice. After a short pause, I responded, “Hello…” which didn’t seem like it held enough weight in that moment. We stared at each other for a few seconds, we both remembered. We remembered “us”.
I thought about who I was then, who I’ve become, and all that’s happened in between. You showed me pictures of your family and I couldn’t stop the tears. They were so beautiful and I was reminded of a time in my life when the thought of not being your forever, not being the mother to your children devastated me to my core. And I remembered the nights you’d cry and be so confused on which way to go with me. You always said you weren’t enough for me…but you were everything to me.
I had more to say to you but I didn’t want to make a scene in your restaurant. I sent this text to you because I couldn’t get the words out without crying:
“I’m sorry…I got so emotional. Just so many memories…so much we went through…so much I’ve forgotten about…but I want you to know that I’m proud of you…for making a choice to have a family. For choosing to love someone….you’re a good dad….I always knew you would be. It may mean nothing coming from me…but, I knew you…for a long time. I knew who you were and I knew your fears and your struggles….I knew you. And I’m proud of you.”
Before we left the restaurant my little one asked me, “Mommy who was that?” And all at once everything he was to me entered my heart and the tears forced their way out as to I tried to choke them back and keep composure. I replied “Just someone mommy used to know…”
You are a lovely memory. You taught me so much.
I’ve missed you, and I’ve let you go.
I cried the whole way home, it was quite a bit to take in. But my heart was so full because I saw you were not afraid anymore, you were not struggling anymore. You were just… happy. I could see it in your eyes. I hope your wife loves you more than I ever could have, and in ways I had not yet understood back then.
If serendipity cross our paths, then I’ll see you again. Until then, dear.
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