Hot showers = pain

The Unfinished Conversation

Shared by BeginningWithOneDay

Have you ever had that feeling when you’re in the shower and the water is so hot you don’t actually know if it is that hot or if it is in fact freezing? I only realised how hot it must have been when my skin was lobster red after coming out of the shower. I can’t help it. I need something to distract my mind.

He doesn’t just pop in and out of my thoughts anymore. He consumes my life.

I am scared; he has made me scared to leave my own home.
I am scared; he has made me scared of driving because I might see him out in his car.
I am scared; he has made me scared of driving to a friends house who now lives close to him incase I see his car on a driveway and then I would know where he lived.
I am scared; he has made me scared I might never let someone in, that I may never be loved, that I may not be able to love somebody.
I am scared; he has made me scared of my own life.

My own life? And I’m scared of it?! How fucking pathetic of me. I should just grow a pair and move on. I wish I could say it was that easy and that tomorrow I will live by the motto ‘man up’ but I can’t.

I am destroyed. I am fragile. My head is fucked. I cry. I panic. I scream. I shake. I sit on the floor in a corner hoping the room will close around me. I stay in bed all day hoping that if I fall in and out of sleep enough the pain will go away.

You might be reading this thinking ‘she is so weak’ and to be honest sometimes I would whole heartedly agree with you, however, right now? I feel strong. With all of this going on and some days being unable to get out of bed, I am still working full time and doing well at it. I have my home which is all mine that I don’t have to share with anyone. I have some great friends and above all else I know I am better without him in my life.

 


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