In Search for Trust

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Shared by Tea Spile.

So my ex had a personality disorder which made it really hard to be with him and which in the end caused me to leave as I was beginning to feel afraid of him. He took away my self-esteem, made me think that I did everything wrong and he estranged me from my friends by in cunning ways making me choose between him and them. It gradually got worse. When we started dating he was the best and most loving bf and I was so happy. I don’t remember how or when exactly he started showing his true colors, but when he did everything just got bad. It was like living in a minefield. I could never foresee what would trigger his anger. It could be really small things e.g. that I’d forgotten to buy milk – then he would yell at me, his eyes would turn cold and hard, he’d get all up in my face and act threatening. If I started crying it would only make him more angry and make him yell even louder. I stayed with him for 3½ years and then I got out just in time to save myself from being completely lost.
After that I had a long and wild single-life, where I told myself I shouldn’t be with someone again – the thought of the potential pain was just too much.
Then (of course) I fell madly in love with someone who’s now my boyfriend and whom I live with. It’s great, but the doubts are still in me and the fear of things somehow falling apart. Sometimes I can’t control my emotions and it is so hard to explain to my bf why I react so dramatically in specific situations. I’m still don’t trust other people like I should and I hate that I don’t.

Do any of you guys have similar experiences or do you somehow connect to any of this? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Here are a couple of poems that I wrote about the situation.
LOVE AND VIOLENCE DO NOT MAKE A HAPPY COUPLE

There is a Violence in you
In the words you claim are true
There is a violence in you
I saw it breaking through
It’s a Violence
Spitting in my face
It’s a Violence
Of a past you can’t erase
And the Violence
Will never go away
The violence
Is why I couldn’t stay
The Violence
Was stronger than us
The Violence
Destroyed my trust

And I keep asking myself why
I’m still too afraid to try
To love someone new
Why the Violence isn’t gone with you
It’s still here. Still making trouble
Love and Violence will never make a happy couple.

TRUST LOST AND FOUND

The trust I once lost
The trust I lost
Gradually
Faded away
Gradually day by day
The trust I once lost
You showed me a way
To find it again
Now it’s growing
Day by day

I give it to you
I give my all to you
The power
To make me whole
The power
To destroy my soul

I need you to understand
I need you to see
How letting go was dangerous to me
The trust I once lost
The trust I gave away
He took it from me
Only to betray

I’ve put it behind me
Or at least I’m getting there
With you by my side
I know I’ll repair
With you by my side
I won’t be scared
Best to you all

HigherMountainsLongerShadows

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