I Used to Love Her… I Still Do
Shared by Gorilla with a broken heart .
I am not a writer, I am a gorilla, so I apologize in advance.
I am broken. Impossible to put back together. Her smile lit up my whole world and now my darkest thoughts are her smiling at someone else. It has been just over a year and nothing is getting easier. As each second passes I feel her slipping away even more. We have had periods of talking since we split and there was one one where it seemed we may be able to possibly start something again. Slowly. She then disappeared and popped back up about 2 months later. Different than last we spoke. I don’t push, as having her in my life in just a tiny bit, made me happy and content.
Her flaws and the things she saw as areas she needed to fix, were the exact things that made me love her. By definition she was imperfect. To me though, she was flawless. Even on her worst day, she made me feel like the happiest and luckiest man on the planet. For whatever reasons, she chose me and I wound up making mistakes that hurt her.
Every time it was time to go back to work overseas, my heart broke seeing her upset. I remember the last time I left. Looking back before boarding my plane I could still see her through the glass. With tears running down her face, she begged me not to go. Something was different this time, but I did not know what it was and I was unaware that everything would soon change. She loved me. More than anyone else ever had. She showed me that. Then she left me for someone who she thought would be there for her and was not me.
The only reason I would have come home for good and quit my job, just became the only reason I could not. I feel like I am living in a Hell on earth without her. I cannot remember what it was like not to love her and I did not know the depth and feelings of the words ‘Forever and Always’ until she was gone. Now I am stuck with those feelings. Alone.
I am miserable without her and the hole in my chest does not seem to be getting any better. The emotional pain physically hurts and knowing that I messed things up with the one person that saw me at my worst and chose time and time again to stand by my side, makes it that much worse. I want her to be happy. I guess thats why I am here writing this and not emailing her, while someone else the reason for her smile. She will forever have my heart and I am ok with that, knowing that I was able to have her as long as I did. Instead of saying Im sorry for the millionth time, I just want her to know that I am grateful for every time she did forgive me. Im thankful that in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was able to find someone that I wasn’t afraid to open up to that loved me for the broken and damaged man I was. Inside and out, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.
If you have someone and they put up with all your crap and you love them like you have never loved before. Stop making them cry, follow through with what you tell them you will do, love them so hard that it is unquestionable and constantly try to work on a better you so you can be a better “we”. Communicate and forgive. I see this a lot and it couldn’t be more true; Are you the kind of man you would want your daughter to date? If the answer is no, then change. It really is as simple as that. None of us are perfect and we all fall from time to time. Just find someone that compliments and loves you for exactly who you are. If you know you can be better, do it. Do it for you. It will benefit not just yourself, but every relationship you have.
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