A Fear of Falling


Shared by Nathan Lindsay.

I still remember the first day I saw her paired with her new car. The accentuated tones of owner and vehicle cascading an aura that blanketed her frame beneath the swath of a clouded sky, as if ownership were some natural fluid of bonded living organism. A bubbling respect swelled from within as seamlessly as she silhouetted in the curve of hybrid mists. Gray may seem a commonly painted color, but I have yet to catch the eye of too many of that sultry tint caressing the pavements of any city. That car…in that color…all her. I can remember crystal cool air and how it spiked with an admiration for who she was as her hips contoured the upholstery. I was proud.

Is it fair to feel so cheated sometimes? Is it fair to feel this undone as her life continues to unfold chapters before her? Is it fair that my heart lies wounded in this trench while hers continues to throb as if I never existed? My soul…my faith…spilled like the waterfall of a smooth pour of fresh milk into a clear glass strewn from shards of unreal love. Is it fair that I wake up every…single…haunting night? Falling…

It took months for the anger to take root…and even longer to realize the truth of her feelings for me. I never meant anything to her. She discarded me with the ease of a royal hand waving under a neat Summer sun and flew spinning into the arms of someone else. My life never measured up to hers…my pursuits a prank for her mocking tones. As soon my struggling steps held her pace stalled she unclasped my needing hands from her strengthened visions and picked up her speed. A hybrid of resolve and cold, callous stone walls.

Is it fair that I will never allow anyone as close…that I’ll never dare because the consequences seem so dire?

When I got out of my car in the parking lot at work I felt a sickness grip through me over the horizon nearby. I could feel the valley’s separating us and the wicked abandonment of a Summer day. The weight of being left alone to ward off the teeth of life sped fast forward through the months and I froze within that captured tear. I need to find a job somewhere else. I need to get away from her. Sometimes I get so afraid…and there she is.

I thought I saw her car on that left turn…

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