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How Long to Wait before Having Sex?

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Shared by our awesome Featured Writer, One Gentleman.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUN! The topic of sex is as old as humanity. I mean, you would not be reading this post, if body exploration sessions did not occur between your parents. Refusing to acknowledge a topic is rarely ever a good idea. It only fuels the interest of people, causing them to inquire further.

How long should you wait to have sex with someone? Please keep in mind; this is merely an opinion through One Gentleman’s Perspective.

I will be honest here, because there is no sense in lying. As a long-time reader of this blog, you are aware the process of becoming a gentleman is just that—a process. It does not occur overnight.

You do not snap your fingers and instantly, a gentleman appears. It is a lifelong journey, and each day you must remain steadfast in the decision to remain a gentleman, even when it goes against popular behavior.

With that said, how long did I wait to have sex? Well, in the past, there were instances of having sex during the first encounter.

On the other hand, the act of exploring someone’s body took far longer. I am not here to say, do X and not Y.

Instead, I want you to consider why I believe something, and then decide what best suits you.

The best place to begin is my view on sex as a whole, now that I am an adult. As a married man, and no longer roaming the dating pool for a hookup, I think a number of people should refrain from having sex while dating.

Though I have a spiritual/religious connection to this topic, my answer will be void of these beliefs. In other words, my answer will not come through the lens of either.

Instead, I believe a number of the issues people face while dating, involves the act of sex. When sex enters the equation, some become clingy, controlling, emotional, etc.

They enter the act of sex, without first understanding what exactly it means to have sexual intercourse. You see, we define sexual intercourse and acts of sex as…

1The insertion and thrusting of a male’s penis, usually into a female’s vagina or anus, for the purposes of sexual pleasure or reproduction..

2Penetration of the mouth by the penis or oral penetration of the vulva or vagina (oral sex), sexual penetration by the fingers (fingering)…

There are other examples, but these concepts are sufficient for the explanation.

On paper, the definitions sound easy enough. In the reality, there is far more at play.

Generally speaking of course, sexual acts involve a great deal of emotions. From observation, a number of people engage in sexual acts, by only assessing the physical.

1Okay, I take this and insert here. It sounds simple enough.
2Okay, he is going to use that, and insert here
.

We forget the emotional piece, which is able to possess far greater consequences.

1 Will he hold me afterwards?
2 Will he tell his friends?
3 Will he still treat me the same?
4 What if I pre-ejaculate?
5 What if I cannot perform?
6 What if she does not experience ecstasy?
7 Will she make fun of my size?
8 Why is he looking at my breasts?

The topic is still such a taboo one, many like to believe children are not having sex, because if you avoid the topic altogether, surely children will remain abstinent.

Surprise, surprise…some children are akin to mini-pornstars in training. Children are experiencing acts of sex, far sooner than their parents could imagine. In my high school, people were already making sex tapes and having threesomes on the premises.

During the first semester of college on my way to class, I was in the presence of girls between the ages of 11-13.

Girl, he had me bent over, and was giving it to me from behind…

I am not going to sit here and lie, but the entire dynamic of the conversation disgusted me.

I am not their relative, but when I was growing up, there were things my parents conveyed we should not express loudly in public. A good number of children today, are completely absent of respect. Why do I say this?

I understand they may not have positive role models. However, that realization did not erode my understanding for basic human decency growing up.

Interestingly, there were several other individuals present. Some were two or three times my age, and others were younger.

This was not the place for such a conversation. You may call this assessment judgmental, but I will not retract my assessment. The entire conversation disgusted me. At such a young age, I fail to see how you can grasp the intricacies of sex.

What makes someone so young, believe this was an acceptable conversation to discuss so loudly? Even if it were boys, my conclusion would not change.

But I digress.

Sex and one’s decision to engage with another party, is not one to take lightly.

I periodically mention this, but I see individuals placing more emphasis on mundane things, yet none when it involves the males they allow to enter their bodies, or the females whose bodies they will enter.  I have a difficult time making sense of this.

It is akin to people spending more time planning a wedding, but less time courting and getting to know their partners.

When I analyze sex, it is something far greater than a physical exchange of two bodies. It is one of our greatest ways to become one. Now that I am no longer teenager, I refuse to consider sex as only…

Inserting and exiting, inserting and exiting.

Because of the process one should take before engaging in sexual activity, I believe people should refrain from all acts, until they understand what it means beyond the physical.

Anyone can have sex.

In other words, without any deficiencies, anyone can have sex. What you should consider is your mental preparedness, for what happens afterwards.

This is idealistic and I know not everyone will make this consideration.

Should you have sex after one date? Personally, I would advise against women allowing someone to enter their bodies, after only one date.

I may receive a lot of opposition for that, because I did not mention males. However, sex cannot occur without the consent of a woman.

Law-abiding males require consent to have sex, thus my emphasis on females.

If I had a daughter and she deemed one date enough, to allow a man to enter her body, I would consider my role as a father to be a failure. If I had a son, I want him to question his partner, if she were willing to have sex on the first date. Others may disagree, and that is totally fine.

When I was dating, I did not care to think beyond the moment. If she were willing after a first encounter, who was I to reject. However, over time, my assessment changed.

I would want our children to assess things in a similar fashion, and then make the decision they feel is right, as opposed to acting and then assessing afterwards.

I also understand some females feel there is enough chemistry on the first date, and no other thought process is necessary. Once again, I continue saying females, because until she decides sex will happen, it will not happen.

If you fall into the category of people who have sex on the first encounter, my concept of taking more time on your decision becomes irrelevant.

Is sex on the first night a deal breaker? In other words, does that make her unworthy of marriage? There are relationships where body exploration sessions occurred on the first date. Therefore, it is not a deal breaker if you both decide on taking this step.

However, if you are looking for a relationship beyond the act, I simply suggest keeping in mind, the emotional aspect of having sex.

If you are not looking for a relationship, I still recommend taking some time to assess a decision, before acting purely on impulse.

Then again, I know there are people who skip the date altogether, and engage in body exploration sessions. I am not here to judge and therefore, my response on this subject is irrelevant for you.

More importantly, I know the people asking this question are usually those whom are interested in waiting, but not sure how long to wait.

I also know individuals under the age of 30, will not view this question in the same manner as a recently divorced individual, in their 50s or 60s.

There is no magic number honestly.  It may take five dates over a span of several weeks, or 10 dates over a span of six months. Perhaps it will only take one date, over the span of 30 days.

Your interaction with this person is important, but more importantly, your understanding and reflection on your emotional assessment of sex is vital.

I believe this reflection holds more weight than chemistry, your childhood upbringing, etc. Is this something you are truly ready to do? Strip your mind of s/he is nice, the date is going so well, I haven’t had sex in months, etc.

Before you make a decision, ask yourself if you will still feel the same, if he no longer calls back. In other words, reflect on the decision, before actually making it.

This is One Gentleman’s opinion. I am more interested in hearing yours. How long should someone wait until having sex? Is it one week, two months, six months or until marriage?

How long did you wait until having sex? What would you advise to someone asking for an answer, such as your children or friend?

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24 thoughts on “How Long to Wait before Having Sex?

  1. Human Interest on said:

    Reblogged this on Human Interest.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t necessarily think there is a “right” or even a simple answer to this question. Everyone is different with varying beliefs and preferences. There is no “magic” number only a number that works for the individual. I do think it’s important to advise young people, especially teens, on sex education; for example, how to be safe about sex. We are not born sex experts and although sex is totally normal it is good to be educated about it and figure out what is best for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you MGrace58. I appreciate your time spent on reading this piece, but also your time spent sharing your perspective.

      “Everyone is different with varying beliefs and preferences.”

      Precisely. What works best for you in this moment of reflection is your decision. Tammy may feel engaging in sex is acceptable after six dates, spanning over two months, whereas Brian feels he should wait until marriage. It is your decision, and with the consequences of said decision, you must take full ownership.

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  3. you so nailed it! sometimes i was thinking exactly “what if he says to his friends what we did?” etc and these thoughts are always stopping me. there was a guy who i was seeing for almost a year. He did not want sex from the beginning, but afterwards, he was asking “why?” and I did not know what to say. we were keep seeing each other. I did not want to have sex with him as I was not sure if he was not seeing other girls, and I did not trust him 😦 I don’t think I will ever trust any guy enough to do it again. Foreplay may be enough for me…

    Liked by 1 person

    • When it comes to body exploration sessions, I believe it is one of the most significant decisions you can make, in regard to your physical and mental state. We fail to admit sometimes, but there are widespread emotional consequences that are able to lead to years of emotional turmoil, due to the decisions we make involving sex. You are not alone in that regard, as far as wondering if he will release information about your interaction. Usually, it is more of a pressing concern for women and girls.

      The feeling can lead her to rejecting body exploration sessions altogether, because she cannot escape the thought that he will become “Mr. Blabbermouth.” I actually started working on a piece, which addresses the topic of, “Why Do Guys Kiss and Tell?” I have no idea when I will share it though.

      In regard to sex, as an outsider and I am not aware of your age, but until you feel ready and I mean genuinely ready, do not engage in sex. Trust your intuitions, as opposed to undermining them. Body exploration sessions should begin only at the moment you feel ready, and no amount of pressure should change this. Concerning trust, it is like a journey to a destination that is far away. In other words, building trust, and giving it to someone else takes time. Right now, you are still on that journey. However, take some time to address this, because refusing to trust can be as destructive as blind trust. You must get to the core, in order to discover why you feel incapable of trusting.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Now I am seriously disturbed! Hahaha. Just thinking about kids and their sex acts…and thankful I don’t have to navigate this topic at this point! Whew!

    Liked by 1 person

    • If I explained in detail the stories from my high school, you would perhaps homeschool your children until they are 30. HaHa. Then again, as long as they continue receiving a sense of oneness with themselves at home, they will reject the notion of seeking this understanding through other people. In my opinion, this is the root cause of the many dysfunctions involving how people approach sex. Their education on this subject should always begin at home, because when they learn about body exploration sessions elsewhere, it usually leads to harsh consequences.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The emotional situation afterwards, for both sides, I had not considered that before. Very important indeed.
    As for the timing, well I think that if you can both honestly answer a question like “how will we feel about this afterwards, what will we do afterwards (today, tomorrow, and later)?” and be comfortable with each other then rightio!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for reading this piece, and taking a moment to share your thoughts. The emotional aspect in my opinion, becomes far more pressing than the act itself. Sex education usually involves the actions/physical (diseases, pregnancy, etc).

      In my opinion, there is little discussion on the emotional piece. It’s akin to purchasing the ingredients for roasted turkey, yet you fail to acknowledge the requirement of turkey. You acquired the herbs, spices, etc. However, you missed the most important element of all–the turkey.

      I completely agree, because communication is vital for any healthy relationship. Without this sense of communicating with one another, where you both understand the situation at hand, there will be consequences.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Until after marriage, is my opinion. It is true all is not “milkish” once in marriage, but most of the fears that come up after sex, Like “will he still like me? or does he just want to use me,” are often erased in marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for this perspective. There is merit in this discussion on both sides of the “wait until marriage” versus “having sex before marriage” debate. Body exploration sessions will always have varying responses, on when it should happen, how to engage in the act, etc.

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    • but it’s mostly the case just “to use” How to know when is it just “to use” and when is it not? i still don’t know and i prefer not to risk

      Like

  7. I don’t think there is a right time, but I think if people were more open and honest it maybe wouldn’t be the big secretive issues it is today!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your time on this piece.

      “I think if people were more open and honest it maybe wouldn’t be the big secretive issues it is today!”

      I concur 100 percent. The openness and honesty that should come with such a natural act, seems absent. This absence leads to much chaos, yet the absence continues nonetheless. I find this rather strange.

      Liked by 1 person

      • And don’t even get me started on the different standards, men like having sex he’s a stud, sowing his wild oats. A woman does the same and she is a cheap whore who doesn’t value herself!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • In your opinion, you do not think there is a difference in how females are able to have sex, in relation to how males are able to have sex? In other words, you do not believe either has a far easier ability than the other, in their pursuit to having sex with someone? Keep in mind though, I do not disagree that both can have as many sexual partners as they like.

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        • Maybe men can be a lot more detached (yes I generalise). But I was meaning in terms of how society treats a man who likes to have sex as apposed to a woman who likes to have sex!

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