Starry Image in Hindsight

holding hands

Shared by imperfectant.

I wish I appreciated being loved.

Wait, I did. What I needed it to do was make the most of it.

I wish I held his hands with my nimble sweaty plams. Or touched his face where the dimple was. Or looked into his eyes when he wasn’t paying attention to what I was saying to catch him in the act of tracking the movement of my lips.

I miss having romance as part of my everyday life. It’s now closer to something I read about in books than a reality. I miss the feeling that my heart would burst and lungs fail that I had whenever he texted or called or was beside me. I miss being the center of someone’s attention and having someone be the center of mine.

Sure it was wrong and reckless and fruitless, but it was real. It was special. It sounds like a fantasy rather than a reality now that I’m playing it back, although we didn’t do much together. But with two people trapped in the world of fairy tales, constructing their own was a favorite pastime. We built our own wonderland and lived inside our heads in it. Reality would have only made it worse…

I wanted to have a clear image in my head of an actual life with him, but I failed to go beyond the super cute moments we’d share once we were each other’s. I didn’t know much about his temper and stress, or how he copes with both. I wanted to have realistic expectations dressing my Prince Charming, but he always remained a starry image in my hindsight.

I got mad at him at times, that’s a given, but it never made me hate him. Somehow I never pictured him hurting me, so when he did, I found my mind forging excuses for him. I felt in need of his presence, around him I felt like I can stop pretending to be strong and put-together. He carried me well at times, too, but it was all moral support.

I know for a fact there’s no other guy out there who’s close to my likeness as he was. At least, none that could sweep me off my feet as he did. I just pray I have a fraction of the magic I shared with him with the guy I end up with…if at all.

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