I Wish I Had (An Unsent Message to Her)


Shared by Diana Marcos.

I am not the type of girl whom every guy falls in love with, nor someone they would love at first sight. When I say that I cannot be considered a pretty woman, this is not me being insecure. This is me stating a fact that I have accepted since the very first day I laid my eyes on a mirror. I am skinny and my height is just average. I weigh forty-five kilograms which is just perfect for my height. My skin is tan and I have this big, thick wavy hair. The dark circles around my eyes are very obvious because I work until late at night and I can’t get myself to sleep as early as four in the morning. You see, all of these descriptions are the opposite of what most people imagine when they hear the word “beautiful.” I live in a country where being beautiful means being tall and fit, having white or fair skin and straight, silky hair. It is a place where inner beauty is still taken for granted like big time.

I am not trying to downgrade myself here. I am just trying to make a point why I consider myself not so beautiful and why men do not easily fall for me. I don’t see myself as that kind of person because I see myself differently. I see myself as that person who is smart, strong-willed and independent. That kind of person not every man would immediately fall in love with because they fear that they would be overpowered. The way I see it, even though we live in a modern world where equality between men and women are being put forth, there are still those people who do not like others who threaten their sexuality. So when I found someone who sees me the way I see myself, someone who also believes in the things I believe in, someone who contradicts me but supports me nonetheless, I made sure he would fall for me. And yes, he did. There is nothing that a smart, strong-willed and independent woman can’t do.

Falling for someone who fell in love with me the same way I did is such an amazing way of falling. The impact is still there, but there’s no pain. Until that person who is close to your heart starts to meddle with your relationship. Until You desired to take my happiness away.

I loved you with all of my heart. I have watched you fall in love with different people, and I have experienced being the only one between the two of us who had no one on a Valentines Day. Well actually, even if I had one, I wouldn’t really celebrate it because of how I was raised by my family. It’s a long story. But I am sure you already know things about that. I have experienced being your plus one so many times I might die if I give all of the details. Don’t take it the wrong way because I am very happy for you. I am happy that you found someone before I had a chance to do so. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that I had someone while you cry watching “Flipped” alone at three in the morning. You know that it isn’t because I couldn’t get into a relationship with someone that I stayed single for a long time, but it is because I have tried to be with different people that I couldn’t imagine being with them for a long period of time. It had been a long series of trial and error for me and of all people, I expect you to know that.

So, when I find someone who I think fits with me to a tee, I expect you to be happy for me, too. I ask you to accept that person I love regardless of who he is and what he has. I beg you not to judge or criticize him, but to get to know him better the way I do. I wish that you will be happy for me despite everything. I want you to believe in me when I say that I want this and I see myself with him. I know that we will have our shortcomings, but I hope you will understand that he makes me happy in a way no one else will be able to do. And…

I want you to know that I have already found that person…and he is that kind of person I know you will never like. He’s that person who do not possess all the qualities of the person you want me to be with.

I wish I had told you how much you had hurt me that day you told me I don’t deserve to be with someone like him. I wish I had realized how selfish you were…that you didn’t really want me to be happy. You wanted me to find another as if it was that easy. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t go out and just grab someone and ask him to date me. I am not that kind of person. I am not like you.

I am not the type of girl whom every guy falls in love with, nor someone they would love at first sight. But, I have found the man who makes me feel like I am. I hope you know that.

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