In The Rear-View
Shared by suthrngirlsings51
Looking in my rear view mirror I caught a glimpse. I didn’t stop. I had places to go, but my heart stopped when my mind registered what my eyes had seen.
Twice in two days it has happened that way, like my eyes were not telling my mind what they had seen…… or my mind was so cluttered it didn’t understand.
What I saw was you, beside a car that was packed to the brim. What triggered the despair is what I saw you do. You looked at my car as I drove away and though I couldn’t see your eyes, when I saw your head ‘drop’ down as you looked away – sadness hit me.
The car was packed. I could see that from where I was. It was packed to the brim, almost to overflowing. Why did you drop your head? It was how you dropped your head really that triggered the panic. It was how suddenly and on purpose that you dropped it. Where were you going? Was the car leaving or arriving (I take it now, it and you were leaving). Why were you just standing by the car as it was just parked there, filled to the brim?
I had seen a car like that before there sometime ago and it was then when I realized you were leaving. I had the same sense today that it was more of the same – sadness and moving away – as I looked in my rear view, as I was moving in the ‘other’ direction, as you stood still, with your head bowed down, there by the side of the road, by the car – filled to the brim.
It reduced me to tears, no, to sobs but only when I returned home in the still. I had wanted so to go back. I had wanted to drive around the block but time wouldn’t allow. Why is life…like that?
When I returned there was no sign of the car or you with your bowed head but that is when my tears really began. Slowly trickling down my cheeks to uncontrollable sobs. Why do endings and looking in the rear view of my life cause such great sadness in me? After I thought about it – it is because there have been allot of endings and goodbyes in my life for the last 4 years.
I felt loss. I felt pain. I felt it was too late, time had run out somehow. What could I have done differently? Should I have stopped? Should I have done something? I don’t know why I’ve been missing things and only have seen them when I looked back. I don’t want to keep missing these moments. I’m alone and in pain.
I can’t fix yesterday or what happened before. I can’t go now and run back, but oh my heart wants to. I wonder if I will ever mend. I wonder if… I wish you knew what I wished but all that I have.. is that view in the rear-view.
I wished I could go back and run toward. I wish I could talk to you and say all these things in my heart but I just sit here and think and reflect on my view, in my rear-view.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not much good to anyone lately. I feel like I’m wasted space and that I’ve lost so much time. I feel like I’ve let so many people down including myself and that this pain in my heart won’t let go. I wish I could understand it all. (Well – I felt those things yesterday – only slightly today!)
I wish I could have turned my car around and gone back. I wish I could talk to you and ask and I wish I knew where you were going and why and why you looked so sad. I wish I had… but all I have is the view in my mind from the rear-view.
I wish you had yelled out for me to stop or to come back or something. There’s always something in the way…there’s always that look from a window and now its gone and all I have is my view, in my mind’s eye, from my rear-view.
Here I sit all alone with my thoughts of you by the car, with your head dropped down and my view from my rear-view – will I ever heal?
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