Not OK

bleeding out love

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Last time I in this town, in this hotel where the rooms are all the same, I was high on us. A little nervous, a little scared. Now, I wish I could say I was numb. I’m not. I have a deep well of sadness inside of me, it makes it hard to eat, I Feel nauseous. Always. I sit here and I think about the past three months, and as much as this hurts right now, I just want to go back and live them over and over again.

Last time I was here you filed for final divorce from your ex. We talked about what that meant for us and for your children, it was a lot of pressure to put on me and I took it seriously, appropriately so. I asked what your expectation of my role in the lives of your children was. I was so excited to believe that you were truly serious about us. You hadn’t been with your ex for a while and it all seemed so believable. You painted such a real and vivid picture.

Then I came home and things started to change. You had concerns about me wanting children since you could not have anymore. I told you that you were all I would need. You brought this up several times to the point that we even fought over it. Actually we fought frequently for a while, always ending with a reconciliation and us discussing our goals and why we were different and how to make things work. I loved communicating with you, fighting was hard but I was trying to grasp how you handled conflict. The long talks we had made me feel valued and important in your life. You introduced me to your brother and his wife, and some of your closest friends.

Then things started slipping, there were problems with your kids, I saw less and less of you. We spent Christmas together, I introduced you to my family and friends. We went out on New Years Eve with friends and had the best time. You convinced me once again of how serious you were about us, we had the most wonderful night. The next day when I kissed you goodbye  as you left to get your kids, we said we loved each other and we’d make it through that month.

Then Sunday rolled around and you had told the kids about the divorce and you were sad. I let you be. It made sense to me. Then Monday you blew me off, that made less sense. Tuesday I was hurt and wanted you to reach out to me, you didn’t. Wednesday you ignored my messages as well. Thursday I asked you what was going on and you only told me that it was complicated. You said I’d see you later. I didn’t. Friday I left you a note telling you how I couldn’t believe that you loved me if you couldn’t turn to me in your time of need, and if you didn’t love me we shouldn’t be together.

You left work early and moved back in with your ex.

People tell me all the time how terrible you two were together how you keep splitting up and getting back together. I’m not sure why you do this, even if they want you two together, this can’t be good for your kids. What are you so afraid of? Change isn’t always bad.

Now the sad thing. I love you. I would have wanted you forever. I literally loved the idea of usbutowing old together. I sit here in this beautiful hotel room and I can’t sleep and I no longer need food and all of these details play over and over in my head.  This room makes me remember things I wish I could forget, I know I need to move on I’m already trying, I’m going out and meeting people, everyday.

But at night when I do sleep, I dream of you. I’m sad and lonely and hurt. I can’t even be angry. You put me in a terrible position, now I have to realize that in reality you cheated on your wife with me, that isn’t OK. I want to be angry about it and I can’t and that isn’t OK. I still love you and that isn’t OK either. I’m so lonely and all my connections with other people seem so superficial, and I’m not OK. I have to see you at work when we are both there and that’s not OK. I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be OK.

I’m not a child, I keep telling myself, I knew what I was getting into dating someone who wasn’t completely divorced yet. Doesn’t matter that you were legally seperated and moved out, clearly things weren’t over. You broke me and you took a piece of me when you walked away, I would ask for it back but I don’t want you to forget that someone loved you so much once, although maybe you already threw it away.

Right now it feels like I’ll never be OK again. This is week two without you. I hope I find a way to be OK again, experience tells me I will, but this doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever experienced before. Nothing is OK. And I am the woman who is always OK. You broke me, OK? I can’t believe that you are happy, but I pray you are at least OK. You took mine, bit I love you so you can have my OK, I’ll survive without it, so long as you are OK.

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