Seeking the Silver Lining

letitgo

Shared by secondtonone73

Arbitrary Calendar Event.

Yet it’s the party night of the year and after a hasty last minute plan fell through, I’m at home alone. But that’s okay. I need to be alone tonight.

I am taking this time to reflect on the past year, find the moments of gratitude, the silver linings, reflect on all that’s happened, reread old journals and remind myself why it’s a good thing that I am in this place that I am. I’m in hell with a very sad heart, missing my Love, but it’s where I need to be to start the healing process. For longer than I can remember, I’ve felt like this deserted island, floating alone, uncharted, in the middle of the ocean. Sometimes this ocean is calm , peaceful but then it gets hit with the most vicious of storms, at times The Perfect Storm and the damage has been vicious, volatile and violent. I’m battered, bruised, scarred, but I’m still alive. I have survived. But nobody visits anymore. It’s a desolate place.

I found a letter that I had written to my (now ex) poly Love on New Years Eve 2013. In that letter, in my typical style, I was seeking silver linings, finding gratitude, acknowledging our many challenges and hoping for a brighter future with him. I declared my love. I detailed every single thing that I loved about him. It was a beautiful letter. His reply was foreshadowing.

“Oh wow baby. Thank you for this beautiful message. This is going in my saved folder. One day when I will be old (next year?), I will re-read this and others you have sent, to bring a smile of satisfaction and love to my old and wrinkled face. Thank you, my love. Kiss! “

One day is today and so much has happened. He saw the end already.

He is still in my life but not in the extent that he was even several months ago. The communication is sporadic but often provoking a fight and major (regrettable) meltdowns via text from me because of the cold cruelty that I never dreamed he would possess against me, casually speaking of his new lovers, my new replacements as if we were long time buddies having a beer at the local pub, hurting my heart with every word. I barely read them for all I see when I read them are the underlying words “you have been replaced.” And I cry every single time.

Every.
Single.
Time.

No longer am I “baby” or “my love”, no longer does he send “kiss”. No longer do I give him smiles of love and satisfaction. Too much has happened. We are too broken. He has found another (others) and I imagine them to be beautiful, sexy, happier than I was at the end , approved and endorsed by his partner if anything just to ensure I am no longer in his life and I feel supplanted. I find no fault that he would prefer them over me and their easy, casual joy over the pain his love for me brought to his home life.

Those words are replaced with a simple “Goodnight sweetie :)” which I find patronizing given all we have shared. It’s a term of which I use on my children and their wee little friends, not the man that I was / am in love with.

So in reflection of 2014, I am trying to find the silver linings, moments of gratitude, the lessons learned, lessons that will carry me into the new year a better, stronger, happier woman. Floating to the surface, it is the lesson of Impermanence. Nothing lasts forever. Treasure every single moment in it’s entirety and make the most of each one. Hold the ones that you love tightly and cherish every moment you have with them. Love them as if you were never going to see them again. Never miss an opportunity to tell the ones that you love how much they mean to you. When you speak, speak in kindness and compassion. Don’t hold grudges.

With that same sense of impermanence in losing the man who I believed was the love of my life, I spend the evening with a sad sense of rejection and loneliness. I spend it alone with my memories and broken heart. I am more forlorn than I hoped I would be. I saw the end before it begun but I kept the hope that we would be different. But we were not. Our shelf life expired, as does most Polyamorous Secondary relationships. I was disposed, discarded, replaced when I became inconvenient because his partner put her foot down out of unnecessary insecurity and jealousy. I was exiled not because I needed more, but because she believed that the little I got was too much and she needed me to have even less.

But it is with that same belief in impermanence that I feel hopeful. I know that this pain won’t last forever. It’s cliche but time does heal all wounds. I don’t believe I’ll ever be the same person that I once was when I loved him. Tiny fragmented bits of cynicism and doubt, resentment, fear litter my heart and mind like shards of glass with regards to love and loyalty. I’ve been burned. I am forever scarred.

To reignite and reboot my self-esteem, I spent 2 days putting together a video of sexy, erotic, beautiful, smiling, happy photos of myself , to remind me that I am still the same woman, beautiful, sexy, attractive. I look at that video and I smile, I recognize her, but I’m not the same person anymore. I flourished with him. I am withering without. Sad eyes. Half smile. Self pity when I look in the mirror. Who is this person and what have you done with that hot woman in the video? I need to find her again.

I hope one day that a wonderful man enters my life and recognizes the hidden underlying terror in my eyes as we meet and he tries to get to know me better. I hope he has patience and enough drive to have me in his life that he can be patient and consistent in showing me his love and loyalty. I hope that his last thought would be to hurt me. I hope that he appreciates the love and passion that I offer him. I hope that he feels happy to spend more than one day a week , or month with me. I hope that one day, maybe this day next year, that I will be curled up in his arms and this day and the last 2+ years are a distant memory.

It is with that hope that I close out 2014. I weep a little for my losses for the last time this year and will wake up tomorrow with a new , fresh resolution to find peace.

So long 2014.

May Auld Acquaintance be forgot.

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