The Day I Knew
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I woke up one day, and I hurt. Because my life had been lived for just a few years for the needs of others, yet there were no longer any others. My aunt for whom I was a daily caregiver had passed away. You spent all your time at the casino or on the computer. Your daughter only came to us on the weekend and she barely needed me. I had no hobbies, few friends, no children. So I took the time to improve myself. I lost forty pounds, I improved your home. Still you didn’t notice me. We still had sex. We still slept together. Men would do little chivalrous things for me and I would fantasize about what it would be like for you to care enough to do those things for me. I made time for you. You went to the casino and sat in front of the computer. I spent hours and hours alone. You’d stay out later and We talked about taking up hobbies together and then you would do them with other people, when I had to work. You would seldom rearrange your schedule to do anything with me. You refused to make any plans for us. I made most of the plans and paid for most of the things we did together. Then I became pregnant. It wasn’t something I had ever wanted. It wasn’t our plan. But a little part of me wanted to believe that you might want more. Just something that was us. You just assumed that it shouldn’t cross my mind. It did. Your dismissal of me hurt. Like I always do, I survived. Even as I sat there losing the only evidence of our time together, you couldn’t be bothered to leave the computer for anything I might need. So as usual I took care of myself. That was it. That was the exact moment when, after five years of such moments, I came to believe that you did not and would not ever love me. Not the way I wanted to be loved. Now, you Feel like you should be upset, with me? Because I left. Because I broke my promise. Because I moved on, and I have. And because I have asked you to stop telling me that you miss me, that you want me back. I will never come back. I didn’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I wasn’t perfect and I made mistakes, too. But I want you to realize what my life was like. I was with you for five years. I never cheated. I wanted it to last. You didn’t value me when you had me. I will never be in that situation again. You will never get another chance With me. I want you to find someone else to be happy with, and then I want you to treat her better than you treated me. Choose her because she will deserve it, treat her well because you want her to stay. Live in the moment, don’t take her sacrifices for granted, make plans, for gods sakes man propose to her, plan a future. I waited five years for you to want a future with me, during that five years, you chose to pretend there was no future, and on top of that we had no present together. I hope you find what you are looking for, I hope you realize now that it was never me. Good bye, good luck.
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