Heartbeat: My Life, My Struggle, and the Love I HAD

Shared by BeginningWithOneDay.

I lay in silence, in darkness, in noise, in brightness. At night or during the day. Wherever I lay, sit, walk, he’s there. His voice. His touch. His actions. They don’t go away. He doesn’t go away.

I haven’t seen him in person for 3 and a half years. I don’t need to see him. He is there, in my head. He is my devil. My torment. My hatred. My anger. My life.

A common phrase from friends/family when a couple decides to go their separate ways is ‘you are so much better off without him/her’. For me? This couldn’t be further from the truth.

The pain of being out of the abuse and dealing with day to day living alone feels far worse than being in it day in day out. Whilst in it, I knew someone was there. He was doing those bad things because I had made him angry or had done something wrong. There was a reason for everything. Now? There is no reason for him to still torment me but he is. He is in my head and he will not leave. How can that be fair?

I was blissfully unaware of what was going on in our relationship at the time. Knowing that I didn’t always like what was happening but there was reasons for it being that way – I was able to deal with that.

Now all I’m left with is a broken me. I am the one that suffered throughout. I am now the only one still suffering. He has taken over 7 years of my life. I can’t let him take more but I know he will fight. He will do all he can to stay in my head. The flashbacks, the voices, they won’t leave without a fight.

I need to win the fight. However long, however traumatic, I need to do it. I will do it.

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