A Letter to my Ex

Heartbeat: Lost for Words

Shared by Lauranne

It’s happened. The day I’ve been half looking forward to but mostly dreading has,arrived. Finally you’ve admitted to being in a new relationship.

The tears came, we both knew they would. It felt like my fragile heart was yet again split in two, and I got angry at the world as it carried on turning.

The news was earth shattering. I felt numb, I felt…nothing. For a split second, which felt like forever, I felt nothing. Then the pain and the tears.

You broke your final promise. You said if you couldn’t be with me then you didn’t want to be with anyone. I knew you didn’t really mean it and I knew that I didn’t really want you to spend your life alone. But you promised. You said if you couldn’t have me… And now I find out weeks later you were with someone new.

I looked back in my diary the other day. I read an entry from march… in march you were still claiming you loved me, that you couldn’t be with me, but you loved me. Yet now 8 months later you admit to not only being in a relationship but having been in this relationship for quite a few months. Since summer? Is that June, July..? How many weeks later, cause weeks are all it could have been.

I want to ask you about her. Is she the older, no commitment divorcee that I always knew would suit you so; or is she another me, young, hopefully, desperately in love with you?

What does she have that I don’t? Why her and not me?

I’m still in love with you. Despite trying every trick I can think of to get over you, I’m still in love with you. But you know that. Your messages give you away. Apologising for having someone else, why? What have you got to apologise for, it’s not your fault it was all a lie; or did you know? Even as you said these words to me did you know they meant nothing? Didn’t I deserve more? Didn’t the memory of ‘us’ deserve more?

I want to know why you turned up on my doorstep the other night. We had our routine, I never had to see you again. Yet you changed the rules. You gave me hope. Did you mean to be that cruel? Or do you just not think?

I did nothing wrong.

I gave you my heart. I bent my will to fit in with yours, there was no pressure…no drama. You did all the running, you made all the first moves. It’s not fair you did that to me.

I can’t turn off my mind, yet it hurts to think. So I take two painkillers (the headache from the crying is already kicking in) and curl up in the big double bed at my parents- I couldn’t bear to stay at my house alone. I’ve pilled up pillows on your side of the bed so it’s less obvious I’m alone.

Is she asleep on my side? Or could you not do that to me and have you switched sides? You’ve had her in our house… I saw the coffee mugs one morning. That means you’ve had her in our bed…

Turns out you’re not the man I thought you were. Although I knew your “I’ll never love anyone again” promise was a lie. You could have waited a little longer – 3 months just doesn’t quite cut it!

Did the man I love, the man I have cried for ever exist? I trusted you. I loved you.

You played me for a fool.

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