How I Learned That There is Such A Thing As An Easy Amazing Relationship
Shared by jessie.
I believe that most of my life was in some kind of turmoil, pain, anger, and personal insecurity, though I didn’t realize how I felt, was defined as insecurity til way later… further more I had dreams slash nightmares that haunted me and aided in my own psychosis… othethan the vivid dreams effecting my life was, a life where I was adopted off the rez (reservation) and raised wealthy but crazy… abuse was an everyday occurrence which I now realize effected my choice of “boyfriends”
When one is used to chaos and insanity, one has two choices in further decisions with their life… stay in the continuous circle they are so accustomed to living. Or break that circle and start creating their own path leaving the things that hurt and don’t promote growth… or take the steps- using baby steps for everything bc nothing happens over night – to leave things that hold us back from growing and creating a different future for themselves and children that might be one day.
Welp, after the hardest years brought on by the death of my mother when I was fifteen, being abandoned afterwards bc of my self, and the darker things I will not say now, I finally woke up and said no more. … I am now 35…. look 25…. and finally- after 17years and 8 relationships- which were verbally abusive, physically abusive, off and on, and four beautiful babies that epically failed, i found myself with the most amazing person I know. …
I had been single for three years… my own choice and found my own self amusement in inanimate but animate objects other than the complications of human contact (if u get what I mean). Then last year I met the guy to whom taught me the most valuable thing anyone could learn…. that there is such a thing as a relationship that does not involve abuse in any form or aspect. That I COULD HAVE RELATIONSHIP THAT DOESNT CONTAIN BLACK EYES OR TEARS… And though we are no longer together and it hurt me down to the core, It came to me as why be so heart broken? He taught me that it was capable to have a beautiful relationship with out the chaos…. … for the first time in my life. How could I be so mad then ? Now I can’t say there’s no such thing as happy… he is my best friend… we are totally opposites. We both battle mental issues. We both don’t have much…. as he lives with his parents and my life has been crazy due to cancer, self hatred, being a drug dealer off and on for years bc of illness ( I don’t apologize for making money how I had to during times in my life), and kinda just settling.
He, my musician, my spiderman, my best friend, taught me what it was like to have a happy relationship. That sitting in a room or house and never speaking or feeling as if we have to communicate in any way in order to not feel awkward is perfect… that we could drink (casually) and never fight argue or have conflict. That being hit, put down, or feeling not good enough was not normal. We didn’t have a car… we lived with my best friend. No car he didn’t work and I didn’t want him to… he my creative beautiful sweet love bug wrote taught and had his own band that I wanted and still want him to continue. To reach his dreams and not give up… bc he gave me the first taste of security and love I’ve ever had.. we did for each other.. he helped me to the extent of walking to my work bc I had a seizure several times making sure I WAS OK….. Noone has done that….
when he left me, I was devasted. I hurt cried and confused. I thought bc I was alone with out a bf. But then realized I missed my friend… my confidant…. he was the first person I allowed myself to be completely true with… there was no games, no lying, no revenge, nothing that was negative. I just wanted my friend…. and after a few months which included a couple awkward moments running into each other while out with friends( and also mad me sad) and it being so awkward. I finally spoke up… “I WANT MY FRIENDS BACK! ”
NOW AND HONESTLY SINCE THE BREAKUP I KNOW EVENTUALLY WE will always have each other. And though we may not- I have this (maybe false) feeling we will someday be together. And though we may just always be friends, i have no urge to date anyone. Not bc I have to wait i don’t but bc I don’t want to. I’m happy single and him as my best friend… it took me 19 years to find this. To have a guy treat me like he cared… And though he’s only 23 he healed a part of me that I didn’t think could be… and if he got scared I’m ok with that can’t expect different considering I’ve probably aided in the epic failure of some relationships…. plus i dont think he had very many actual gf’s before me. Lemme tell yah i can be a handful at times.
We all have sad painful angry stories of the past . But what we don’t know is somehow we unconsciously allow those feelings to effect future endeavors setting us up for failure. When can we just let the pain resentment go and no longer punish ourselves or our partner for past happenings or expect them (… age doesn’t matter size weight wealth or career) to be like past failed mates.
Men and women, guys and gals… what is feared most in life? To me, it seems as if it’s change…. bc what if change happens and fails…. welp…. what if it takes many fails to get it right? I’ll tell you that it is worth it!!. we cant force change but we can promote it with choices. Change will become successful when we make the choice and acknowledge that life don’t have to be this way… we don’t have to lock our feelings up and close the door to what may be the most amazing thing. That taking a chance means no matter what the out come we learned what to work on next.
Breaking up isn’t the end of the world. It’s the chance to try again. And where we were is not where we have to be… my final thought is this, even when someone leaves us, when it hurts So much we wish ill, or just regress, don’t. But hold on to the good and bad. Both prepare us to work on things for the next to be better…
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