A Soul Restored
Shared by absenthearts.
When it comes to making a connection with other human beings, I falter. I succeed at academics and if you give me an extremely hard equation to solve, I will solve it by the end of the day. I’d like to hope so anyway. It has always been this way. I have friends, I have a family that I adore. I have love all around me. It is truly beautiful. However, a connection; a true, deep connection, I have never easily felt. It would take years and years to break through the invisible barrier I create. A barrier that, sometimes, I don’t even know is there, until it is mentioned or until something wavers and I retract with all my strength.
The day I met you, everything changed. Yes, this may sound like just another cliché. In reality… well it is just another cliché.
Slowly but surely, I gave myself to you in ways I never thought possible. I let you into my life, into my mind, into my soul. I showed you my journal, my writing, my everything. And you sat quietly, taking it all in. Smiling at the cute parts, frowning at the parts that didn’t make any sense. I expected you to say something. I expected an analysis; constructive criticism.
Instead you took my hands into yours and smiled at me in a way that made me shiver all the way from my head to my toes. Scared was an understatement. My heart was racing. This isn’t at all what I was expecting. I couldn’t handle gentleness, kindness, the love that was radiating through a simple touch. I turned away. You brought my face to yours, searching my face deeply with your eyes. Your glance didn’t waver a single bit. Your soft skin caressing mine. Cheek to cheek. Lip to cheek.
I wanted to cry. I couldn’t cry. I felt a deep wave of emotion hit me. Sadness. No, not sadness. Happiness. No, sadness. Confusion. Still, your glance did not waver. If my emotion was apparent on my face, you didn’t make it clear. You carried on looking at me with loving eyes. Like I was the most important thing in your life. Like I was amazing. Like I was beautiful. I felt myself gasp as I clutched your hand tightly. I wanted to say that you were the truly amazing one. That you were the beautiful soul I had always been searching for. But I stayed quiet, hoping that my touch would tell the story my mouth was refusing to tell.
“Can I kiss you?”
I was taken aback. Yes, I had been kissed before. But this was different. This was frightening. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. My head was screaming at me to say yes! say yes you fool. But still, nothing came out. You waited and waited, patiently for an answer. It was clear that no answer was going to come.
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to leave. The emotions were overwhelming. I would disappoint, I always disappoint. I wouldn’t be able to give you sweetness, romance, love. I wouldn’t be able to. You would want it, you would want it all, you’d devour my every last brain cell until my brain would only consist of you. And I couldn’t have that. I needed focus, I needed success, I needed my brain.
“Yes” I whispered after what seemed like years. My soul had spoken for me. My mind was pushed to the back like abandoned things in a dust filled room. “Yes.” I said again, louder this time. Clearer.
You came towards me, a grin escaping your lips. You took my head in your hands and kissed me with a passion I didn’t know existed. I felt my insides melt all at once, my heart stop and my brain turn to mush. I felt an electric shock in every part of my body. Every nerve on fire. I searched your mouth deeper with mine, wrapping my arms around your neck for closer proximity. I stroked your face with my thumb, my fingers ruffling your hair. And then it stopped. You let go.
I Felt dizzy with excitement; a rush I never anticipated. Was the room spinning? I didn’t know, but I needed more. I reached for you. You took me into your arms, my head reaching your chest. The perfect fit. I took in your smell, it lingered on me for days.
Every day since then, was different. I wanted to feel emotion, I was no longer scared of feeling. I wanted to connect with as many people as possible. I grew cheerful, brighter, happier. No longer consumed by my future, my past or trivial things that did not matter. I focused on the present; on you.
To the day, I don’t know what it was about you in particular that made me want to let people in. Why it was you who broke the barrier. But maybe, some things don’t need an explanation.
Just know that I thank you. I thank you, every single day, for the love I know I am capable of because of you. I thank you, even when I don’t act like I am grateful for you, or when I am arguing with you about something that really does not matter. Because, every time that I am alone with my thoughts, I think back to this moment. The moment, I knew that I would love you. That I would spend the rest of my life with you.
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