He Didn’t Call

Waiting on Myself.

Shared by lifeisrozie

I’m sitting here on my bed, laptop on my legs, trying to distract myself from my own awful feelings of inadequacy and loneliness by watching a series.

Another man, another disappointment.

I’ve raided every cupboard and potential hiding place in the house for anything sweet and stuffed with calories in a desperate attempt to feel both better and worse about myself. Better, because at least by allowing myself these treats I feel a sense of pampering.
Worse, because I already feel fat just thinking about what I am eating – but at least by feeling fat I can think of a reason why he hasn’t called.

Why hasn’t he called?

I have never in my life had a man ignore me in this way before. Sure, I’ve had men treat me in a way that I knew I deserved better – but never outright ignore me.

I suppose I could overlook it and move on if I hadn’t decided that I really liked him because of the qualities I thought I saw in him… qualities that would not have allowed for this behavior. And I suppose I could overlook it if he hadn’t gone out of his way to convince me that I was the only one, and that he was head-over-heels in love with me.

But if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that words are easily spun and should not be believed until… until… Well, I’m not sure when is a good time to believe charming and romantic words. But maybe that is just the hurt speaking.

I’d like to believe somewhere deep down inside that he really is too busy to pick up the phone and call me, or send me a simple text – and that I’ll get one tomorrow telling me how sorry he is.
But even deeper down inside I know that it’s not over … because it never truly began.

I’m just some stupid girl that he found amusing for a bit and then got bored with, so he cast me aside. Despite my clean slate, my integrity, and all the work I have put into maintaining and growing myself as a person, I am reduced to nothing more than a mere fool.
His fool.

And I hate it. I hate how he didn’t see value in me.
I hate how I was seen as so easily replaceable and forgotten without a second thought.
I feel dehumanized, worthless and unloveable.

But I realize also that his actions are not a reflection of me – they are a reflection of him.
So I take those thoughts – those worthless, devaluing, unloveable and dehumanizing thoughts – and I cast them aside. They were clouding my vision of who I really am.
I remind myself that who I am is more than one man’s ill treatment of me, and that his opinion is not the one that should matter.

Then I remind myself that by drowning my sorrows in food and losing my sense of control and power in the process, I am giving him control over my life.
So I stop.
I realize that by eating my sorrows I am only getting fat. I want to be slim and fit and I want to show him my power. And my power runs deeper than looks – I am a strong, powerful, intelligent, successful and beautiful woman who is worth more than that man could ever be trusted with.
I want to make him regret his decision to discard me.

But then I realize its not about revenge. Revenge will cause my heart to harden and my soul to become angry – and that is not who I am or who I want to be.

So instead, I put the food away and vow not to give into it anymore, I shut my laptop down, turn off the lights, curl up in my bed and whisper into the darkness:

“I forgive you.”

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