My First Heartbreak at 20

an open letter

Shared by Miss Moved On.

You needed to focus, you said. Just not on me. ‘Well’, said I, ‘that’s okay’, said I trying to sound okay. It never was okay, and it can never be because in that moment, you made me realise how throwable I was, how easy it was untangle yourself from me and walk away. I never was someone who caused chaos or unnecessary drama, I didn’t want to cry there in front of you either. My tears, are just to precious to be witnessed by someone so heartless. So I gathered the broken pieces of my shattered dignity, ego, mind and heart and walked back home on that cold, foggy night, holding myself together strongly enough so as to not crumple on the sidewalk or be reduced to a puddle of misery at the traffic lights. ‘We’ll be friends’ you said. Friends? Seriously? Did you actually think that I would be able to recover so fast from a 11 month relationship so as to text you happily the next day or the next week without being affected. It was my first relationship as well. It was too painful, too real, too incomprehensible. After saving my heart for 20 years, I felt the impact twenty times harder. Also, your reason was so shitty, that I still feel that it wasn’t the truth. I wasn’t satisfied with it but it was all that I had for closure. ‘Oh I forgot that you had to walk it back home’, you texted me as I got home, faking concern, right after crumpling me like a paper ball and chucking me in the dustbin. ‘It’s okay’ said I again.

You would text me everyday, till I couldn’t take it anymore and edged on my my friends I faced you, telling you that I didn’t want to be friends I didn’t want to be in touch. You hugged me like I was life, too many times that night. You said you were tying your best not to kiss me. I walked away after showing anger. ‘Till when?’ you asked. I didn’t know. You cried, I looked at you and wondered why.

When your heart breaks at 20, you feel way too helpless. You have had everything going right for you, except your heart. Your friends are extra supportive, because they went through their first heartache at 14. They tell you how to get through it. You wish someone, would get through with it for you. It was too painful. You never knew what a mess you would be. You were always so strong. Since when did you become so affected and especially so dependant on someone so as to crave him?

I removed you from my mind, my heart, in bits and pieces, in chunks, in tears. You texted me that you missed me as a friend. You didn’t stop contacting me. I replied after a month when I thought I was in a better position. I realised you were my poison. Dragging me down in ways unimaginable. Today, you still text me and I reply in time, properly. I don’t want to be rude or mean. This town is way too small and cutting off contact won’t do any good. You try to make plans and I see your face only to be reminded why I shouldn’t be with you.

Why can’t you just get out of my life?
Why can’t you let me go? Why can’t you buzz off? Why don’t you even want to get the strong hints I’ve been throwing at you, that I don’t want you at all, in any form, in any way, through any means ? I really need you to, without being cruel to you. I really need to.
Because everytime you get in touch with me, I’m reminded how little I meant to someone who meant so much to me.

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