Can Guys and Girls “Just be Friends”?
Shared by our Featured Writer, zombiedrew2
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A buddy of mine (who happens to be married) recently came across an old girlfriend, and they ended up going for lunch and catching up on each other’s lives. He mentioned this to me because they ended up exchanging numbers and talked about getting together again, and he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. Especially because he enjoyed seeing her, and it brought back happy memories of the times they shared.
For anyone who’s a regular reader on thezombieshuffle.com, I’m pretty sure you can guess my advice. Umm, did I mention that he’s married? Yeah, he is. From talking to people, and reading assorted relationship books and blogs I know his situation is far from unique. I’ve touched on thoughts on straying when your relationship is in a rut and on affairs before. But I thought this story provided me with an opportunity to provide a slightly different twist on things.
Radio Story
I commonly listen to the radio on the ride in to work, and for the morning show they have both a male and a female host. A number of months back they had a discussion on whether or not guys and girls can ever be “just friends”. Their perspectives weren’t surprising.
The girl said yes, of course, and she cited a number of people she knew who had platonic guy friends. The guy had a different take on things. He said no, not a chance. Guys and girls can be friends, but in most cases the guy is looking for more. And the guy is probably actively thinking/imaging the girl in, shall we say, less platonic situations. His opinion was that the guy is content to be just friends, but if the girl were to “open the door” for things to go further, then the guy would be more than happy to comply.
As a guy, I have to agree with his perspective. I’m not sure if women are just naive about this or if they are just wired differently. But in most circumstances the guy would be more than happy to move beyond the friend zone. I’m not suggesting this applies in all cases. I have a handful of female friends who remain friends. But I also recognize that my female friends are definitely different from my male friends, making the nature of the relationship different.
So can guys and girls ever be “just friends”. My belief is sure, they can be. But it depends on both their history and their present. What I mean by this is that although it is possible, it depends on their shared history. If they have been more than friends in the past, then it changes things considerably. It’s still *possible*, but old feelings will always be there. This is where the present is also relevant. If neither of you are in a relationship then there should be no issues. If one or both of you are? That changes things.
Digging up the Past
A while back I read an article talking about how social media and cell phones has changed the way affairs happen, and it has also caused a rise of broken relationships due to “exes”. Sadly I didn’t bookmark it, but it was a great article.
If you were in a relationship with someone in the past, then no matter how it ended there were good times. It’s normal to sometimes think about exes. Maybe there’s something that reminds you of them, a song, or a sight, and memories that were forgotten come rushing back. Those memories may make you think about them, and wonder how they are doing and where their life has taken them. The social media world has made it easy to take things beyond just memories, and to actively reach out and see how the other person is doing. That’s something I strongly caution against. It’s best if exes remain exes, and remain in the past.
If you are in a relationship, friendships with members of the opposite sex come with a number of potential risks. But adding exes to the mix? That’s a recipe for disaster. It’s one thing to wonder about how someone is doing, but if you are actively looking them up you have to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish. Especially if you are doing it at a time that your own relationship is in need of some attention.
When Does an Affair Become an Affair?
One common misconception people have is about what an affair actually is. Commonly people believe that affairs are only happening with sex is involved. But that is completely untrue. Relationships rarely start with sex. Heck, some couples still buy into the notion that they want to wait until they are married for sex (a dying breed, but it still happens). Relationships are built on connection, and emotion. The physical side simply comes out of that.
What people often think of as affairs is really the physical side, but any emotional connection is just as much of an affair. I found the following on this site, and it sums is up well:
It starts very innocently. Very slowly they get to know each other. It’s often an emotional affair to begin with. Maybe they have long conversations, whatever.
However it happens, eventually they realize that they’ve crossed some sort of line. But they realize it after they’ve crossed it. And it feels wonderful because it was a line they were hungry to cross. But it also feels terrible because they know it’s cheating, and they know they never wanted to be a cheater. But it keeps going.
Crossing the Line
So where does crossing the line start? Where does a friendship start to develop into something more? It starts with flirting. Wikipedia refers to flirting as:
Speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony
Some people are flirts, but if you are already in a relationship flirting is a dangerous game. And you have to ask yourself, what is the purpose of the flirting? Is it to seek attention? To feel beautiful and wanted? To make yourself feel better about yourself? Perhaps the biggest question is, are you flirting when your partner is not around in a way that you would not when they are?
People know when they are doing something wrong. So if you are behaving differently when your partner is not around you are essentially defining your flirting as unacceptable to the partnership.
This is where I disagree with the notion that people don’t realize it until after they’ve crossed the line. They knew all along that they were doing something wrong. They may have set lines that they believed they wouldn’t cross. The problem was, they set those lines incorrectly. Instead of setting the line at kissing or sex, it should have been set at other things. It should have been set as soon as you were doing something that you felt you needed to hide.
Emotional Affairs
There are all sorts of great articles on emotional affairs, but here are a few signs that your relationship has crossed the line:
- You share frustrations about your marriage or relationship with the other person
- Your flirting is starting to get more aggressive and intense
- You are arranging to meet the other person for things like coffee and lunch, but you neglect to tell your partner about this
- You are thinking about and contacting the other person at unusual times – early mornings and late at night
If you are doing any of the above, you may still be telling yourself that it’s innocent, but in your heart you know that you are lying. It may or may not have become physical, but guess what, it’s still an affair. And if you don’t actively stop it, you run the risk of it getting more serious.
What to do?
I opened with talking about my buddies lunch meeting. The fact that he was asking my opinion tells me that he already knew the answer to his own question. Affairs don’t just happen, they are a result of choices. If you want to stay faithful to your partner the best thing you can do is not put yourself in a situation that can result in an affair.
One thing about affairs is that happy people don’t cheat. Chances are, if you are thinking about other people then there is something missing in your relationship. In my buddy’s case, he’ll be the first to acknowledge that his marriage is “in a rut”. Being in an unhappy situation makes you more likely to look for happiness elsewhere.
Thing is, affairs are the easy way, and I would even suggest the cowards way out. If your relationship is in a bad spot, look inwards and see what you can do to repair it. Make it your priority and work together with your partner to see if you can repair things. If you find you can’t, accept that your relationship has ended and go your separate ways first.
But acknowledge the fact that you can’t actively work on your relationship if your mind is partially with someone else. You NEED to cut that other person out of your life completely if you expect to have any hope of addressing the issues in your relationship. Unfortunately many people believe they won’t be caught, so they try to have the best of both worlds.
One of my sons occasionally will do naughty things, and sometimes when I ask him to stop he tells me “I don’t want to, it’s fun”. He knows it’s wrong, but he does it anyhow because he enjoys it. That is a self absorbed approach to the world, and shows no respect for the rest of the family. He’s 8 though, an age where the world seems focused just on you. If you are still doing that as an adult there’s a word for it – narcissism. If you are in a relationship it’s supposed to be built on trust, and respect. As soon as you cross those lines and start hiding things from your partner, all you are doing is showing you are not worthy of the trust they have given you. It may start small, but soon you are juggling two lives, and your pursuit of your own “happiness” is liable to hurt everyone around you.
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Reblogged this on Human Interest.
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I do think guys and girls can be friends, to a point. But love develops out of friendship, and the sharing of intimate details. As the post said, an affair starts long before things become physical.
For me, to stay true to me wife I need to not put myself in positions where things could potentially develop into something more. Because of that, I treat any friendships with women different from my friendships with men.
But I totally get how affairs develop. When someone feels something is missing in their relationship, that makes them more vulnerable to look to fill any missing gaps outside the relationship. And that which starts innocently enough can easily grow into more.
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Thanks for sharing your story. Those “other emotions” are exactly why I think it can’t work
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You’re absolutely right! Oh and great idea on approaching those friendships differently!
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I used to think it was completely possible to just be friends. My best friend is a male. But…I became friends with a young guy on Twitter. We started talking in DMs. The conversations lasted for hours every night. I didn’t realize it until it was too late, that I had fallen in love with him. I’m married, and I love my husband. I had no idea you could be in love with two people at once. He loved me too. But it remained an online thing. I’ve never met him in person.
Oddly enough, I believe it was meant to happen. I needed the changes he brought to my life. And he needed the interactions he had with me. Because of me, he was able to ask out a girl who turned out to be his “person”.
It caused a strain in my marriage, because I told my husband about him. But in the end, it actually made our marriage stronger.
I honestly did not flirt with him in the beginning. That didn’t occur until after I realized I loved him & he loved me. But I do consider what happened to be cheating. It just didn’t become physical.
I no longer think every male & female can be friends, because other emotions get involved. But in most cases it’s still possible.
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Great end to a great post! I always tried to believe that boys and girls can be friends. As you said: Woman are wired differently. Yes, boys and girls can be friends… Until they get to the age where sex comes into the picture. They can still be friends but, I agree with you, only if the girl doesn’t open the door. A guy would never say no. I had great friendships with great guys. All of them until a situation occurred where they thought the door was slightly open. Only with one of those friends it never got to that point and I am sure it only never got weird because it was made so crystal clear from the very beginning that anything else than a friendship would never be an option.
The only time female and male can be true friends is when they are in a relationship with each other and have the love and respect for each other it takes to make it last. Then and only then female and male can be true friends.
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The question of whether men and women can be just friends is a difficult questions to answer. For me personally I think the answer is no. Every time I build a relationship with a woman with the intention to be “just friends” I end up growing closer and closer with out realizing that I’ve developed romantic feelings. In some cases I feel like women are better at differentiating between friends and something more.
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I used to think women were better at keeping the lines separate, but I no longer think that. Emotions develop the same way for guys and girls.
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Reblogged this on Cats, Crafts and Chaos and commented:
I can think of two people who really need to read this article!!!
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Hah, sadly I’m sure most people know someone who could use this as a reminder.
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This question, I constantly asked. The points here are so true. My husband used to say, If the other person is ugly, yes they can be friends. HAHAHA.
Great article.
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I think it all comes down to what you are sharing with the other person. If you start getting into deep thoughts and feelings, and intimate details of your lives then I’m not even sure if that works. It’s best to understand what sort of actions can lead to the rise of “deeper emotions”, and simply avoid those.
A bigger question becomes, if someone is already in a relationship then why are they feeling a need to share those sorts of things with someone else. I suspect it’s because there is something that they believe is missing in their relationship, and they are trying to “fill that hole” somewhere else instead of dealing with the issues in their relationship.
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You are a very wise man zombiedrew2. Too bad many men don’t have a friend like you that can set them straight about what can so easily happen unintentionally. Also remember that sometimes these things happen intentionally. There are many narcissistic and psychopathic individuals who actually seek exploiting others on a regular basis for their own pleasure. People need to understand the red-flags and SOP of these individuals they can and do destroy lives. Thanks for your article – we need more of this coming out and telling others to not destroy their lives-put the effort that would be used for affair into their partner and see how much improved their relationship can be.
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My thought on that – people don’t like having to put in effort. We live in an instant gratification culture where people are looking for a magic wand to solve all their problems. Personal accountability seems sorely lacking in many cases.
The fact is, relationships require effort. They require nurturing and care. But when the going gets tough, it’s easier to blame the relationship and start looking for gratification outside of it then it is to look inside, take ownership and start addressing issues.
I believe in long term relationships and marriage, and I believe they can be more fulfilling then anything else. But they definitely aren’t always easy.
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What i meant by “put effort” is they say it takes quite a bit of effort to actually have an affair ( re-arranging schedules, coming up with the lie, etc) so of that same amount of effort was put into the marriage it would improve. Unless affair is an exit strategy. I’m so glad to hear of men who still believe in monogamy and partners for life. Lately i haven’t heard of many- so thanks again.
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Reblogged this on The Candid Spot and commented:
I found this incredible piece from an awesome site. Bookmark The Fickle Heartbeat because it has interesting, thought-provoking reads. Read and stimulate your brain.
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What else can I add! It is tricky territory to put two members of the opposite sex together and try and make a friendship out of it. I believe there must be ground rules. If we are heading into romantic avenues, then it needs to be nipped in the bud. Otherwise, if both parties want a romantic relationship, fine. This is a great article that explores all the issues surrounding this. I loved it!
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Reblogged this on Road to Relovery and commented:
Interesting. I always felt like I could hang with guys and have it not be weird. But I have to admit, it is weird. While I LOVE my guy friends, at some point (usually years later…thinking back to college) I am the fool because one or more of them admit to having had a crush on me.
Awkward.
I also feel like you get a pass if you’re both married or both in serious relationships because then, at least for mature adults with self control, you know better than to cross boundaries. Anyway, take a gander…
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Sorry, for a moment I thought you said that mature adults with self control know better than to cross boundaries. Oh, you did? 🙂
I really think that this is one area where guys and girls are different. They can be friends, but you can never have a close friendship with a guy where you share intimate details of your life, and expect it to remain platonic. Maybe women can handle that, but my experience is that guys can’t. Feelings will start to arise, and they may not do anything about it – but if the girl opens that door even a crack, the guy is there. And that’s generally whether they are in other relationships or not.
If you are in a relationship, then close intimate “friendships” with a member of the opposite sex are just asking for trouble.
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There is a popular Chinese saying:A guy and a girl CAN be just friends, on one condition – one of them doesn’t say a word about it, the other pretends to be ignorant about it.
一个打死不说, 一个装傻到底
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Reblogged this on Broken But Fixable and commented:
Relevant. Always relevant.
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Guys and girls can be just friends. It is possible! I am married and my best friend is a guy. We have been best friends since high school. BEFORE I met my husband. And we have a great relationship, we share everything. But we have never felt anything romantic towards each other. We have boundaries and respect our relationships. He is my go to guy when I need advice or help. But he is not my husband and we have never crossed any intimate boundaries and that is what makes our relationship work. My husband also considers him a great friend which helps. It always depends on the intimacy shared between the two people. I truly love my best friend, we connect and have chemistry but it isn’t romantic. And not every guy-girl relationships need to be. It’s possible to find that sibling in a friend that your parents never gave you.
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