Heartbeat: A Soulmate Gone
Shared by Icarus.
I met a guy who seemed perfect in every way. He shared my love of all things geekery and nerdy right down to the glasses and OS preferences. We met when I started a great new job the beginning of last year. I thought that after my separation, my life would turn around. The only down side was he was in a relationship and I, honestly, wasn’t looking to get back into anything.
He was not the typical guy that I had dated. He was shorter and closer to my age and at first glance, he was quite average looking. However, he was very nice and said all the right things except he had a girlfriend and they lived together. Of course, he confided in me that things were just going downhill with her and I was going to be his breath of fresh air.
He said we were soulmates. That he loved me. That all he could think and dream about was me. At first, I resisted for about a month and half I tried so hard, but I thought I should just give it a try. I let my guard down and I allowed my heart to open to him. We had an affair and eventually it got to him. He was the sensitive type and the truthful type, of which I admired. So, he decided to tell her and also break up with her.
The worst part was that we all worked together. This did not go well as she told everyone we worked with what happened. Work became a hell for me, of sorts, but I thought that I had him, he was mine, and we’d get through this. Our affair was wonderful and then it slowly began dissolving and I didn’t understand why. We were soulmates, he said. He loved me, he said. Why was this whole thing falling apart.
I ended up leaving the job. She became a stalker and followed me everywhere, even to my home, and I didn’t know what else to do. None of the managers at work could put a stop to it, so I quit. I still thought I had him until a month later he told me that he never wanted to hear from me or see me again. He had gone back to her.
I was completely devastated. I went through a horribly dark time and an equally dark depression. I sobbed for days and barely got out of bed. I just did not/could not understand what had happened. I came up with all kinds of scenarios, excuses, but nothing satisfied my questions. Then around this time last year, he emailed me and we’ve spoken off and on since.
I’m still left with all these questions. If he loves her, why does he talk to me? If he loves her, why does he still care for me? If he loves her, why does he keep photos of me? If he loves her, why won’t he just leave me alone?
It’s been 2 weeks since we last emailed. I ended it this time. I said that I regretted meeting him because he awoke this passion and love in my heart and then he just threw it all away. He has no answers save for that he doesn’t feel the same way any more. His “love” for me doesn’t burn like it used to. I’ve called him many horrible names and I’ve always apologized.
Perhaps the love he had for me was never true nor real, but my heart still believes that he is my soulmate. My dear friend told me that I needed to accept the harsh reality that he doesn’t want me. That he’s with her now and has been for the past year. That he never loved me. That I needed to let it go and move on. I needed to take care of me and my happiness and not worry myself over them any more.
It’s been hard when some nights I think of him. When I wish and pray that he’d email or call or something. When I hope that he’ll realize that his love for me was true and break up with her and come back to me. These thoughts are simply figments of my imagination and my friend’s words ring true, harsh as they were, they were so very true.
So, I’m left with many questions….no answers…..I hate not understanding.
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