Secrets of My Heart

Heartbeat: Lost for Words

Shared by happilydpressed.

I think I fell in love the moment your eyes met mine. When your hand touched my waist. When you pulled me close. You didn’t know. You didn’t have to. I knew I could never be yours. But those feelings, they shook me to my core. Everything else faded away, all except your smile. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to tell you right then and there what you meant to me. But the song ended, and so did the moment.

You wanted her. Every girl in the room but me. Yet all I could do was think about you.

And then the wedding came. God, how I wished you would ask me to dance. I sat there next to you and waited. Everyone smiled at me and told me how beautiful I looked. Everyone but you. Instead you told me about her. You asked me my opinion. Again, you wanted someone else. I told you to go ahead, but inside all I could do was scream. So I left you for the bar. I had one drink that turned into two drinks. There were eligible guys all over. They asked me to dance. They asked me to have a drink with them. And I did. Anything to make the idea of you leave. For a while, it seemed to work. I stayed with my new ‘friends’ and ignored you, until one asked me to dance. At that point I was drunk enough to not care where I was. I danced with a boy I had no feelings for, and you watched. I caught you glaring at me and then it was too late. I forgot about the boy and could only watch you as you walked over to me. You took my hand and pulled me away from him. You danced with me, not to a slow song, but it seemed enough in the moment. You held my hand and we laughed.

That night, we spent a lot of time outside, just talking. I kept hugging you because you let me and in my state of mind that’s all I wanted. You smoked your cigarette, and it was the first time I ever saw how beautiful the act was. You were perfect. Oh I was so drunk, but you stood by my side. That couple was outside with us, they laughed at me for yelling at you. They said something about how I was already telling you what to do and we weren’t married. We laughed with them, and told them we weren’t a couple. They smiled and knew. They saw what you couldn’t. They said we could have fooled them. I wonder if you still have the pictures we took? I doubt it. The night wasn’t as important to you.

When you went to bed, I stayed up wondering where you had gone. You said you’d come right back and never did. Then, in the morning, you apologized. All I could think of was how foolish I was. I was embarrassed, but neither of us spoke about the night ever again. My father brought it up to me a few weeks after. He laughed about how protective you were. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about. He said when you saw me dancing with that boy, that you told him you didn’t like it. For once, he didn’t care about me being with a boy. But you pushed the subject further and told him not to worry. You’d take care of it. My father didn’t know what the story would do to me. He couldn’t know. But it made me cry. For a second, I thought you felt it too.

After a while you faded out of my life. I locked away the memories and I thought you were done with. But of course you had to be there again. You weren’t supposed to be at the party. I didn’t want to see you. You were drunk or high, or a combination of both. You hugged me so tightly, and then you disappeared to your friends. I shrugged it off and had a good time, tried to forget you were there. But you just wouldn’t let me, would you? You saw me dancing with a boy and once again you took me away from him. You danced with me and then all of a sudden you left. You just walked away without a word, as if you’d done something wrong.

I worried about you. I tried not to care, but I did. You went out of my life again, just popping up here and there. You’d come to my house for a party. We would have a few laughs, go for walks, but you always left. Sometimes I would get this look from you. This smile and this hug. But you always chose someone else.

And then your grandma died. You were so close to her, that much I knew. I could feel your pain from miles away, and I wanted nothing more than to help you. I went to the funeral and I held you in my arms. It was that moment when everything flooded back to me. I realized how much I wanted you to be happy. How much I wanted to be the reason for your happiness. I tried. I really did. I wanted to help you. I was there, every day. And for a brief moment, you opened up to me. You finally showed me that you could care. And then, once again, the moment was gone.

Once again, you chose her. Someone else. Someone who wasn’t me.

Now I give up. I have nothing left to give. I’ve given you my dreams, my heart, and my prayers. And all you do is leave. You walk out of my life.

This time, I don’t think I can forget you. I’ve tried. But the more I try, the more I realize that I don’t want to. I want nothing more than for you to love me. And what hurts the most is knowing that you never will.

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