The Pain of Lust

i need space

Shared by saremaj.

To you,

I have just paused my film for the 3rd time. 3rd. Not because I needed the loo, wanted a drink or got bored, but because I can help but think about you. We are in a mess. One massive, tangled, mess. From being in love to friends with some fun, what the hell has happened to us.

Whatever is going on right now, I’m not sure I can do it any longer. Yes, we have come on a long way since the day you walked out on me; we’re not longer screaming abuse (most of the time), you’ve almost remembered I am a real person and we can stand each others company, but we are playing with emotions. We are hurting each other, clinging onto some form of hope. Hope that I know is not there. Though, I’m pretty sure it’s just me – for you, you’re just being a bloke who’s making sure his sex drive is satisfied.

I know what people say is true. That I should stop talking to you, cut you from my life and stop letting you take me to bed. But, it isn’t that easy. When we’re together, it’s like we’re still together. Maybe I’m deluded, I’m pretty sure I am, but the first thing you do when we’re watching a film is fling me onto your chest and hold me tight – the love pouring through like an ocean. I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t love you anymore, in the sense that I’m not in love with you, but I could get that back in an instant. I might not be in love with you but I don’t think I want anyone else. I don’t want to have to lie of someone else’s chest, or to feel their love pouring out for me, because all I want is to feel it with you. This is where lust is sometimes more powerful than love. I know that love trumps all and I will always love you, but right now that love is fading, but all I want is you.

How can I still want you? After everything you’ve said, the emotional abuse you’ve put me through – why are you the only person I think about? I don’t know, but I do know it is eating me alive, taking over my body bit by bit. I can’t help but feel disappointed or, to be frank, like shit when you bail on me because I want to spend all the time I can with you.

I know it’s easier for you this way. Now you know you can make it in the world that you’ve always wanted, you feel like you don’t have the time for me. That, if you do it this way, it’s easier for you because, by not committing to me, you don’t have to feel guilty if you don’t have the time for me. But the funny thing is, you’ve almost made more time for me than you would have if we were ‘together’.

We have pulled each other apart, to the point I will never be the person I was before. To the point that I feel like I’m not living the same life, or life at all; to the point that I constantly feel a bit shit and I don’t know why and to the point that I don’t know how to deal with life anymore. Does that sound like me to you? I am not being me and I don’t know what to do about it. I miss you, my best friend, in every aspect of my day and life and I need that person back, fast.

But, then you pull me close and cuddle me tight. That’s when I forget the pain and remember what you do for me, the love you have and how happy you really do make me.

That’s the time I stop crying.

S x

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