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How a Lady and Gent Argues with Finesse

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Shared by our awesome Featured Writer, One Gentleman.

When we think of a gentleman or lady, we imagine someone with poise, someone who is well-mannered and refined. When we consider a typical argument or disagreement, we do not equate any of the previous three qualities with a lady or gentleman. We tend to imagine a shouting match, emotional reactions to trigger the greatest harm, etc. However, this is not the way of a gentleman or lady. Neither a gentleman nor a lady should react first, and think later. A gentleman and lady will first reflect, before proposing a response.

 What does this all mean?

Well, to argue or disagree with someone is a part of life. We will not agree in all situations, so eventually, you will debate with your partner, sibling, parent, coworker, etc. However, the issue is not arguing in and of itself.

The issue involves what I would consider fighting fair. The emphasis occurs with I, because this is entirely an opinion, which has helped my relationship.

There are countless reasons why individuals in platonic, as well as romantic relationships argue. In fact, regardless what triggers an argument; it all comes down to fighting fair.

As a young gentleman, I have come to understand when you remove the gloves during an argument; you are no longer fighting fair. At this point, you want to deliver as many verbal blows as possible, making the other person feel exactly as you.

That is not the sign of maturity. In reality, that is a defense mechanism…a sign of weakness even. In this type of quarreling, the idea is to project your feelings onto another individual, by any means necessary.

I am not above mistakes and neither is anyone else. In other words, I have made these same blunders. We are constantly learning each day about others and ourselves. Have I been in a situation where I acted first and then assessed the action(s) later? Without a doubt in the past, I have projected my thoughts irrationally during a disagreement.

I am not proud of this, but I have made it my mission to change. This change took place years ago, so I hope to provide some insight that could possibly help others.

In the heat of an argument, I know this will sound strange, but before you reply, enter a place of Zen or realm of peace.  This is a place where your mind is at ease and rejecting the notion of simply reacting. This realm of peace is where you want to evaluate the situation at hand, above anything else.

Allow the other person to speak their point clearly, without any interruption on your end. The key here is making the other person aware of one thing: they have your undivided attention.

Keep in mind, in the midst of an argument, to interrupt is similar to launching a low-blow punch. This interruption can instigate things further, escalating the initial speaker’s rage.

Why is this point so important? When emotions are high, you sometimes say whatever comes to mind first. These reactions are rarely positive in nature. For instance:

Your mother’s so-called coveted chicken recipe, well, I’ve had dirt that was more delicious. 

or

I’ve always thought you had a little penis.

Do we really mean what we say in these instances? In many situations, I would say yes, but in others, not so much. For the latter, whatever gets under their skin the most, becomes your weapon of choice.

Once the other person has made their point(s), after you were able to assess their position, which was the purpose of step one, now is the time to clarify your side based on theirs. This is step two. The reason for listening is to understand the perspective of the other individual. If you do not use their points in your response, you have defeated the purpose of listening.

At this stage, the first speaker is now on the receiving end. It is now their turn to understand through your perspective, your take on the subject at hand. This step is a difficult one for many, because reacting calmly is not an easy feat. However, anything worth having is difficult. With a logical point of view, peacefully express your perspective.

After concluding your position, the listener once again becomes the speaker. This is step three. In this step, the first speaker will now assess your rebuttal to their initial reaction. This means they are now responding to your reaction.

The goal is to give each person the floor, without any interruption. In this type of disagreement, hitting below the belt is not necessary, if the goal is making one’s point clear.

As you can see, the steps can go on and on if necessary but the key is listening attentively, remaining respectful and rational minded. When we refuse to communicate effectively, this is how best friends become enemies after a bitter argument. When we react irrationally, this is how couples living together go days without speaking.

The key is very simple: communication is vital for any relationship. In my relationship, even when we disagree, low-blow tactics are never part of the discussion. Sadly, when I listen to some couples argue, it is akin to a battle of insults. I am grateful having a wife who rejects this type of behavior. I am a lucky husband indeed.

…to be continued.

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9 thoughts on “How a Lady and Gent Argues with Finesse

  1. Civility is not as common as we would like to fool ourselves it is; excellent, truthful, and accurate point you make here…you’re writings have yet to disappoint 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for checking out my post. Your time is valuable, so thank you.

      I agree that civility is not as common as we would prefer. Sometimes I hear people in public argue, because one person accidentally bumped into the other. Although it was clearly an accident and the person apologized, the other simply refused to acknowledge either points . The person begins yelling irrationally, and fueling a fire that has no purpose existing. Such a shame.

      Once again, thank you for the time. I appreciate the comment.

      Like

      • I appreciate your taking the time out to share valuable truths with us, from a man’s perspective. If more men thought like you, this world would be a better place 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am truly humbled when other bloggers express this. It shows that the entire perspective of mine, gives off the impression my wife desired as she created the blog. Thank you sincerely. I’m learning so much about myself and others. To read comments like yours encourages the desire to continue writing. Thank you

          Like

        • Well kudos to you and your wonderful wife. Writing is a wonderful way for us to learn about ourselves and when we share, we do the world and ourselves a good service. I’m glad you are encouraged, for I am also encouraged that there is hope for more gentlemen and ladies to exist, grow, learn, and share in this world—keep up the good work!

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  2. That was well said. One of the best things my husband ever did to change the nature of our arguments, was to say, “I’m not trying to be rational!” That may have been a slip in the heat of the moment, but it’s still very effective. First of all it makes me laugh, but also it makes it much easier to empathize with him. The whole nature of arguing is to try and prove that your opinion is more rational, reasonable, than the other person’s. Sometimes men can push women’s buttons by declaring they’re being rational and you are not, so the whole argument becomes about proving how irrational men really are. LOL, which really isn’t so hard to do!

    It’s absolutely ridiculous how often my husband wins arguments simply by saying, “I’m not trying to be rational, this is simply what I want.” Oh, well okay then.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you.

      “I’m not trying to be rational!” lol. I think you are right there. One person is trying to prove that their point is more valid, and sometimes, they do so by any means necessary. The way you guys interact is pretty funny. Lol.

      When we have a disagreement about something, she will often ask, “Why are you so calm? When it concludes, she’ll then come back and say, “Thank you for always refraining from lashing out.” Lol. People say hurtful things when they are upset, so this concept has definitely helped change my perspective.

      Like

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