A Letter to Leo

Heartbeat: My Life, My Struggle, and the Love I HAD

Shared by siqixtea.

everything expires, everything has a full stop, everything has a limit. I didn’t know MOVING ON will be so hard but I guess it’s time to put all these sadness and heartache to an end

Dearest Brendan,

being in love with you for almost 3years and throughout all these time, I’ve to admit that STAYING in love with you is my bravest and most courageous decision ever in my life

I remember how we met and what exactly happened on that day. I remember how we became BFF and meet up almost everyday, text each other till we fell asleep. I remember how I became your pet pig and you were my master. I remember how you said that I can and will only be your pig in this life. I remember how you always scold me for ignoring your messages. I remember the first time I saw you holding a girl’s hand and how it break my heart so badly but I’m happy for you. I remember how we drifted APART and got back in contact again and I remember how we got together till we ended every single thing

when a relationship start, that’s when the friendship end. I wanted you to be the guy that walk down the aisle of happiness so badly, I wanted you to be the dad of my kids, I wanted you to be the man who I spend my entire life with. everything is all about you. but I promise you, on the day I’m getting married, I will invite you bc I promised myself to be in the same wedding as you. on the day when I’ve my kids, you will be there to witness everything. and promise me that you will not die before me bc I want you to give me FLOWERS FOR the first and last time openly

I remember how our first fight broke out and I begged you for sparing me 30secs of your life to give you whatever I want. then the second fight whereby I waited an hour for you to talk to you, the third fight I waited for two hours then yre willing to come down and kneeled infront of you and this goes on to our forth, fifth, sixth and the seventh, I waited for three hours but you never appear. I remember how you always call me names and the way you scolded me. I remember how I always write letters to you on Tuesday and Friday bc I’m never good with my words and I always keep things to myself. I remember how I always wait at home while yre clubbing your night away. I rememeber how you always piggy back me and cook for me. I remember how I always woke up at 5am in the morning to prepare breakfast for you and delivered to YOUR HOUSE. I remember how I always rush down to RWS after my school to fetch you from work or driving down to town in the wee morning to fetch you from work. I remember how you always managed to convince me that I will always have you whenever I push you away. I remember how you always randomly tell me that you missed me or you loved me. in the past I hate it whenever yre angry bc you will start calling me nasty names and you will say all the nasty things to me. I hate it whenever you gave the death stare when I did something wrong but these are the things I miss, right now

we could have been together forever but forever is never on our side. I’m sincerely sorry that I screwed everything up. it hurt to be left alone without any reason, it hurts to pretend I don’t know everything when I do, it hurts to see you holding someone else hand again. up till now, I’m still putting all the blames of this failure on myself just bc I don’t want you to be the bad guy

I’m sorry for being so selfish all along, only thinking about what I want instead of what you want. you told me before love is never enough to overpower everything and I believed you now. we are meant to fall in love but never meant to be forever. I know I don’t deserve all these things after all the things I did for you and I believe that someone out there will love me the way I love you. I thought I touched you with everything but in the end, I was the one that feel touched. I believe someone out there will do a better JOB IN taking good care of my heart than you, someone out there will take care of me and give me what I actually deserve. I was your thrash but I believe I will be someone’s treasure someday

I don’t want you to forget me but at the same time, I want you to after all the disappointment I put you through. if one day we ever chance upon each other on THE STREET, pls say hi to me and tell me how yre doing. I’m dying to know and truthfully, I’m happy for you for finding someone that you think is more suitable for you. but to be honest, I will never give you my blessing

thank you for teaching me how to be alone after long hours of wait while yre having fun. thank you for teaching how to be responsible to myself after all the times of scolding while I got myself drunk. thank you for letting me love you unconditionally and endlessly. thank you for being part of my life for the past 3years. thank you for all the promises you made, even though I know they don’t mean a thing to you. thank you for loving me when I least deserve it. thank you for making me stronger with the heartaches you gave

I miss hugging you, I miss having your forehead kisses or any random kisses. I miss texting you all day and spending time together with you. I miss all the retarded things we did together as well as nonsensical things like kissing in the rain or dancing in the rain. I miss how you usually sing to me and how we acted like kids together. I miss how you always randomly pop up at my doorstep to surprise me with my favourite food. I miss how you always willing to be my chauffeur and let me sleep whenever you drove. I miss how you always try to wake me up just bc I’m a pig. I miss sleeping and waking up next to you. I miss BRUSHING TEETH together with you. I miss everything about you

sometimes I wish you were still here, having little talks with me, having conversations that would turn into quarrels, and making up the next day. sometimes I wish we would still have those days that we would wake up real late, and go out for movies and dinners. sometimes I wish I could still listen to you talking about yourself, about how much you loved watching NSCI, walking dead and how you would always pester me to watch it with you. sometimes I wish you could still surprise me on all the SPECIAL dates and how sometimes you would surprise me at my doorstep right after your work. sometimes I wish I could still lie on your shoulders and fall asleep on the long bus rides home. Sometimes I wish I could still see your name pop up on my phone

from time to time, I still get fragments of memories I had with you. but now that the storm has finally settled down, I can confidently say that it’s time for us to MOVE ON. I had no regrets of being together with you in the first place. you taught me a lot of things; or rather I discovered them out myself. I’ve learnt from you that family will always come first, and that the one that gets too overly attached will always lose out. it’s not a bad thing. I guess the thing about being young is that you get to learn from the things that you’ve done in your youth, and still it doesn’t really matter that much until we get old. I am positive that everything that we’ve been through in the past 3 years, ever since 2011, was all destined to happen. We were meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together. We were meant to make mistakes, meant to unearth the bad sides of us, meant to have all those quarrels – just to shape out a better someone in us. and I mean it. I could tell that we loved a love so strong, but the timing just wasn’t right. we were at the wrong place at the wrong time. and I’m truly sorry for everything that I’ve done to you, and truly thankful for everything that you’ve done to me. It’s just that when it comes to us, all that I could see is all the bad that I’ve done to you. I do believe that the scariest part about being in a relationship was that you either last till marriage or you surrender halfway. I lost faith in the middle of the battle. all I hope was that I could be someone of the same importance to you as you are to me, but I guess that being with you, all I felt was that I didn’t really matter. Maybe that’s what happens when you become the first one to get attached too fast

thank you for the memories you gave me. I really wish that you could be happy too, not with me, but with someone else. someone else that you could visualize yourself being happy with. It’s okay, I won’t get jealous anymore. I’ve learn to rid myself of that emotion, and it killed me because the past few months weren’t exactly a merry-go-round, I do wish genuine happiness to be inside of you. I really think that out of all the people I’ve known, you are no less to deserve a smile on your face

was it really for the better that we weren’t together anymore? I feel empty but I’m sure you would be better off without any of my unreasonable requests. I just feel that you’re genuinely happy without me. It’s true that I would make you smile and make you laugh, but isn’t that happiness short-lived?

sometimes I wish we could get back together, but sometimes it just seems like I’m just scared of ever feeling it again

till we meet again, bestfriend and I’m sure I will give you a very big tight hug bc I never get the chance to give you a goodbye hug x

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