Now?

I Like Someone

Shared by saremaj

How did we get in this mess? This absolutely, screwed up, mess.

We used to love each other – we thought that we were each others absolute world. Yes, maybe we got it wrong, maybe we didn’t tell each other enough, but we were, and still are, in love.

The end of June, that’s when it happened, when you chose to leave me and walk out of my life. Apart from you didn’t walk away. You stayed there, you’re still there.

For months we fought and fought, me fighting for you and you fighting against me (even though you knew what I was saying was right and meant everything). For months you were in your home country, miles and miles away from me where it was easier for you to break my heart. For months I cried myself to sleep and felt shit about myself. For months you shouted abuse at me, made me feel like I was nothing and left me in the home I’d made around you, the life I’d based you on.

It was okay for you, you weren’t in the situation, you didn’t have to live with it everyday. You took yourself out of the situation before you did it, before you pulled my world apart. You left me to pick up the broken pieces of our lives, which you could live in an environment that I never mattered in. You decided over lunch that I meant nothing to you, that you wanted to ‘sort your life out’, the life you didn’t want me in to begin with and that you didn’t want a relationship with anyone in the foreseeable future.

But then you came back. You came back to the life you had stared to incorporate me into and then you changed. Your persona changed and the person you were being changed. The fighting stopped instantly and you remembered that I was a real person. You looked at me like you always did and I could feel that, in that moment, I had forgiven everything that had ever come out of your mouth and remembered again why I had done all that fighting. Why I will always, deep down, continue to fight for you until I find someone who I love even more. Why you are special and why I need you in my life.

Now? Now, we are sleeping together. You said you didn’t want that, that you didn’t have time to see anyone. That you couldn’t do that to anyone because it gave false hope, that it wouldn’t be right and it was a way to hold onto something that didn’t exist. That you didn’t feel comfortable using someone like that; how all you wanted was a friendship, even after I told you that would never happen because we wouldn’t be able to help ourselves and that we didn’t know how to just be ‘friends’. However, you managed pretty fine to get into bed with me, 5 days after the conversation of swearing blind nothing would happen and you’d just force yourself not to.

Now? Now, you want my friendship but want to keep sleeping with me for ‘fun’ and I don’t know what to do. When we’re together it does not feel like just friends having sex. The love you have for me seeps through your arms so, either you are kidding yourself or you’re an amazing actor who knows who to keep someone in just the right place.

I’m more than sure that I have, and will, done stupider things in my life. But I do know this is not a healthy, long standing arrangement. You don’t want to sleep with anyone else or want anyone, but you don’t want to commit to me. You are basically in a relationship with me, but if you don’t put the label on it you don’t have to feel guilty about living your life.

Tell me, does that sound fair to you?

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