These Four Walls

lonely man

Shared by Michelle.

Sometimes I feel too much. I can feel my emotions pooling inside me, ready to spill out over my edges into my apartment. They flood the floor, seeping into my carpet and flowing all the way to the edges of my walls. These four walls. The place where I am contained, where my emotions are contained and where I feel the pulsating beat of my life emanating from within me and threatening to break through everything around me. I remember her. I remember her standing there, while the wind was blowing through her hair. I remember the sound of the train approaching, and I remember our very first kiss. I remember the way she used to come up behind me and hold me gently while I was brushing my teeth in the mornings. I remember every single road trip we’ve ever taken, and how she’d gently rest her head on my shoulder like there was no place she’d rather be than right there with me. We were ready to explore the world.

It feels unreal to not know what she is doing every day. It feels unreal that we were best friends for 6 years, sharing every moment and every event of our lives together. I remember the way I used to lay close to her, imagining a ring around her fourth finger on her left hand. That thought used to set my heart on fire, making me feel so weak and proud I could hardly stand it.

6 years later, everything has faded away. The memory of her smile fades with each passing day, growing dimmer and dimmer as colors turn from red to green to gray. As the gray fades into white, I am left with nothing but a feeling of loss. I lost my very best friend. I lost the person I used to wake up with every morning – the girl who used to make me feel like the luckiest woman on the planet every Sunday morning when in a sleepy haze, I realized I was waking up next to her.  I remember snuggling up to her, breathing in her warmth and resting in the comfort of simply being by her side.

That something so beautiful can be lost is a tragedy. That something so beautiful can be so wrong is something I will never begin to understand. If anything, I know that I was lucky. I was lucky to have loved.


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