Addicted to Love

aboutaboy

A lovely guest post written by Ali Feldman; submitted by our frequent writer and her supporter, Single Strides.

It’s often said, “love is a drug”—and, frankly, I believe it. I don’t know if it’s a true physical addiction to the oxytocin released by the brain when you cuddle with someone you love, or if it’s purely p
sychological. All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel high. And when I’m not with you, I feel shaky and unhappy… like a walking empty shell.

Moreover, music, this rainy weather, and my hollow soul make for the heaviest feeling inside of my chest. I didn’t remember that heartbreak actually entailed physical pain. I don’t know who invited this elephant to sit on my rib cage and make it hard to breathe…but can someone please tell him to get off?

Because I can’t seem to quit you, despite your meanness, your standoffish demeanor, your cold and manipulative ways…I still find myself craving you.

I had been doing so well for a while. I had been reading inspirational articles and listening to empowering music. At one point, I even got my confidence back. And then, just like a junkie surrounded by their drug of choice, I fell off of the wagon. I saw you and I just couldn’t resist you.

Your touch made my skin tingle and come alive. Your voice was music to my ears.

It almost felt like our first date all over again. I was nervous…truly and deeply nervous. The only difference was that this time when I looked at you, I didn’t feel the simple wonder and curiosity of who you were, like I did on that first night. Instead, I felt a complicated mix of sadness, betrayal, hope, and love. Continuously those last two, though: hope and love.

Those are the ones that will get you, in the end. They’re a dangerous combination to keep holding onto in a situation like ours.

Will I ever be able to let you go? Maybe. If it’s true that I’m just addicted to you, then I know I’ll be able to quit you one day. Either way, I know step 1 is admitting to the problem. Well, you, dear, are my problem. You are my drug.

And I’m ready to start my 12-Step program.

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