Final Goodbye

Shared by Raphsodi

This was the hardest day of my life, I stood in the hospital room just waiting for them to deliver my daughter. It was an emergency surgery, one of absolute necessity despite my wish for everything to move along naturally. As I stood in Pre-Op, holding the hand of her father, a pain swept through me. One that took my breath away, raised my blood pressure, and would have made me fall to the floor had my love not been standing there. Blood began to pour down my legs at such a fast pace, before he could pick me up, a large puddle of blood had collected on the floor. My thought, another complication and a hard reality to swallow.
My daughter had stopped growing and developing two months prior, her heart had stopped beating as well. Out little girl whom we looked forward to from the moment we had the positive pregnancy test, had died two months prior to this day. I had to be put to sleep for the surgery and her body was sent to a lab for genetic testing. So I was never able to see her, hold her, bury her, and I had to say goodbye before I was taken to surgery. It was a hard reality for me, one that had overwhelmed me for a year now.

Today is my sweet Èowynn Taiya’s birthday, she would be one year old. I love her more now than a year ago, even though she is not here. Just like my other children, my love for her is unwavering and grows daily. This would be her first birthday had she been alive. I cannot help but feel overwhelming grief and sadness. I love her and wish today I was taking cake face pictures. They say the first year is the hardest, I hope this is true and things will get back on track. Unfortunately, on my sister’s 30th birthday, in December, we had to go back to the hospital. I had lost another baby, another kick in my already wounded heart. I love my children, the ones I have lost and the ones who miraculously lived despite the odds.

See, being pregnant is like having a life-sucking parasite for me. My body in turn attacks the children, much like an auto-immune system attacks your own body. My two children now, they fought. I was told they would never survive the pregnancy and was asked to please abort; my life was hanging in the balance. I said no, I risked my life for my children and I would have it no other way.

My children are my blessings, a miracle since I was told they would never be. I would give almost anything for more children, and for my children I have lost. There is no stronger bond than that of a mother and her children. No man can take their place, no woman, nobody can fill the space in your heart that your children take.

All I can say today is, Happy Birthday sweet Èowynn Taiya. Mommy and Daddy love you.

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