Warning Boys: Gotcha!

Warning Boys: Gotcha!

Shared by Lola June.

Everything you think a woman doesn’t know?  Oh, she knows it.

Whether or not we let you in on that little fact, be aware that everything you think you can hide from your Lady you absolutely cannot.  We are observers.  We are analyzers.  We are empaths.  We are perceptive and detail-oriented.  And the suspicion of our male counterparts is innate – we are born protective (think “mother lioness”) and, I would say, just as territorial as our lesser-halves (ha.).Look, if we’ve decided to be with you it’s because we think you’re the best.  In whatever way is most important to each individual woman (romance, stability, wealth, practicality, attraction), you beat out all your competitors.  You had the flashiest feathers, the sweetest song, the most prevalent battle scars.Congratulations: you won!  But don’t flatter yourself, it’s just nature.  In the same way that female animals judge the available gene-pool, thus do we.  Though for us it becomes a bit more complex than these physical factors, we too are animals and will protect our property accordingly.Don’t balk at the word.  It’s how you think of us, isn’t it?

Much of what men try and hide from their women is harmless.  Of course there are more grave situations and hurtful offenses, but what I find my husband most tries to hide from me is something silly, say, eating an unhealthy snack.  What’s even more ridiculous than the fact that he tries to hide it is the fact that he thinks I give a d@mn.  If I, then, point out that he’s got a bit of chocolate icing on his cheek (undoubtedly from devouring the sweet rapidly to avoid detection), he accuses me of “controlling” him.

Really?  Fine.  

Next time I’ll just let you walk around with sh*t on your face.


But, no, really, I don’t understand why it mattered to begin with.  Why do men feel the need to hide things (big and small) from their women?  Why do they feel the need to be dishonest?  Moreover I feel this childish dishonesty when it doesn’t matter makes the situation so much worse when it does.

Let me explain myself.  I come from a situation where, at times, this dishonesty has been more profound.  In coming to terms with my husband’s past betrayal (not regarding sex – we have never had that issue), these small bouts of dishonesty have made our healing progress much more slowly.  We can’t get past the big things because he keeps reminding me with all of these stupid little things.  It seems like every time we take a big step forward, he forces me to take a few steps back.

Again, this causes much discord between us.  I see his actions as dishonesty, and he sees my awareness of them as controlling.  What he can’t seem to comprehend is that I am not asking him not to do certain things or even to be “required” to announce that he is doing them (I am not his mother), but just to do anything and everything openly.  Like I do.

I’ll refer again to the sweets.  It’s a silly example, truly, but it serves well for my discourse.  Now, if I’m sitting in front of the computer, and he is around the corner three steps away from me in the kitchen, it is normal that I will hear a rustling of plastic packaging or the microwave going off.  I am not trying to hear him; I cannot turn off my ears.  If he comes into the room and, as I mentioned prior, has a bit of frosting on his face or powdered sugar unnoticed on his shirt should I not mention it?  Oftentimes I don’t.  But if I look up at him, he becomes hyper-paranoid and defensive without me even saying anything.  Which, to me, implies guilt.  But I don’t get it.  Guilt over what?

Cupcake guilt?

Moreover, I should not be treated with disdain because I am observant and aware of my surroundings.  If you have some sort of complex that does not allow you to openly eat sweets or be really interested in what the Housewives of New Jersey are doing, that is not my fault.  Nor is it my problem.  These are some deep-rooted issues with your own masculinity, your body, your sexuality – your mother.  I don’t know.  But it has naught to do with me.  I don’t know.  Get a therapist.

Come on, boys: Work your sh*t out.

But what I am qualified to tell you is that whether or not we make it apparent, we always know what you are doing and what you have done.  You think you’re getting a quick one over on us?  Telling us you’re at work when you’re out with your boys – or worse, a girl?  You took that $20 out of my wallet for the pizza guy, but you maintain that you have no idea where it went?  You scraped the side of the Volkswagen along the curb, but you’re trying to make me believe the damage was there when you came out of the supermarket?  Whether big or little, we always know what you are hiding from us.

And if we don’t?  Guess what?

We don’t want to;

Now, what I mean by that is: if, for some reason, we don’t know you’re lying to us, it is because we are making a conscious effort to remain blissfully unaware.  Sometimes when an issue is too frequent, prominent, or hurtful, we decide that it’s better to remain ignorant.  It seems silly – I know.  But us women are very calculated creatures.  We know that if we know something and it’s detrimental enough we absolutely have to do something.

So, let me rephrase: it’s not that we don’t know.  It’s that we know but we consciously refuse to be made aware of factual evidence that would confirm our suspicions.

For instance, I know you’re cheating on me.  How do I know without having ever expressly caught you?  Women can feel a change in atmosphere.  Out of the corner of my eye, I notice how you tilt your phone slightly in the opposite direction while reading a text message while glancing up at me to see if I notice: I turn away innocently.  You’re coming home later and later at night.  Your excuse?  You’re hitting the gym more frequently.  But we know our man’s body.  If you’re at the gym everyday, certainly over a matter of weeks we will see a difference.

And so on and so forth.  You see?  It’s clear that something is going on.  We see all the signs.  We know what’s happening.  We could bring it up to you.  We could have a fight about it.  I could throw my suspicions at you, and you could defend each suspicious activity with a reasonable (or otherwise) explanation.  But why do that?  If I wanted to bring it up, there are many simple ways to nail you to the cross, so to speak.

First and foremost, I could check your phone records.  Call the number(s) that you’re calling most frequently and at odd hours.  Follow you.  Call your friends.  Call your gym.  Call your mother.  There are any number of ways for me to catch you red-handed.  But what then?

For some reason, maybe it’s easier not to.  Like I said, women are very calculated.  Because of this knowledge, I would have to act in some way.  With a – we’ll call it – soft suspicion, I can just close my eyes and do whatever is easier.  Maybe I don’t want to give you up.  Maybe we have a family.  Maybe we have a home.  Maybe the sex is just that good (I’ll touch on this later).  Maybe you offer me financial stability.  Sure, much of this will seem materialistic, but you never know what kind of situation you might find yourself in.

Which brings me to another point: remember, as I said, women calculate.  Maybe we’re choosing to ignore your dishonesty for a certain period of time.  Maybe we’re just waiting until we get that raise at work, find a buyer for our home, or find another man to, well, get under.  Seems cruel, right?  A betrayal akin to what you’re putting us through, right?  Because why should we worry about your feelings or being moral when you have opened the door?  We trusted ourselves, our bodies, our hearts, and our well-being to you, and you have trodden all over us.  It would seem only fitting that we make sure that we can stand on our own two feet before we open the door to that certain demise of our relationship.

Now, I had mentioned sex.  This is another facet of the complications brought on by dishonesty.  Remember how I said that we humans are also animals?  So we also have animalistic needs.  We have the need to express ourselves sexually to be happy and functioning.  In my five years of marriage, I couldn’t count the number of times I ignored anger I felt towards my husband or betrayal I felt because of him in order to, well, get what I needed.  Sure, you could cheat; but I just don’t have it in me.  There’s also a certain physical attraction between my husband and myself that is just undeniable.  I can look at him, hate him, and want to be ravaged by him at the same time.

So, if I were to check those phone records, make those phone calls, or follow him and catch him in the act, would I be able to fulfill my sexual needs anyway?  Would I be able to overlook whatever betrayal I was feeling in order have that physical release?  Could I get past it?  I’m not really sure.  I don’t think so.  Because my knowledge would be confirmed.  Even though (in my particular situation) the betrayal was non-sexual.

Let me say goodnight to you by reiterating that: Women are smart.  We are smarter than you.  We are more cunning than you.  We have seen every trick in the book.  If you are getting away with it, it is only because we let you.  Don’t get it twisted.

This is the animal kingdom.  Man must impress woman to win and keep a mate.  Man must demonstrate to his woman why he is the best choice, the strongest, the most powerful, the most attractive.  Man must secure a woman and not the other way around.  I mean, if we’re speaking instinctually.

So, boys: impress us;


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