Heartbeat: Love Lost, Love Wasted
Shared by maddisonrae.
*Names have been changed*
When I was about six years old, I met Jared. He was a year older than me and was the nephew of my mom’s boss. His family was visiting Florida where we lived. We swam and had a good time. And then a few years later, he and his family moved to North Carolina when my family moved there for my mom’s job. Our parents all worked at the same place, a mega-church, and we were basically left to fend for ourselves every day. Jared and I were inseparable. We watched over our younger siblings; we created games; we danced and watched movies in the church gym. Outside of our familial issues, it was pretty perfect. I eventually began to feel like I liked Jared. We were 8 and 9 years old. But I was so shy, way too shy to admit that I had a crush on a boy. Even when we were 9 and 10 and he asked me to be his girlfriend, through a messenger, I said no.
Deep in my heart though, I felt a deeper connection with him. Even at 9 years old, I knew we had something special. I would day dream about having my first kiss and getting married to him. I adored his curly hair and the fact that he always let me have the best lego pieces. Things never progressed. We were always close and I always felt like I loved him, even at such a young age. But we maintained our friends until at age 11 I moved away. And this wasn’t a normal move. We left in the middle of the night, and we weren’t allowed to tell anyone. That’s a whole different story. So I couldn’t tell my best friend that I was moving thousands of miles away. I was scared because we were moving away to a place where I didn’t know anyone. And I was scared because I didn’t know how I was going to contact my best friend.
I searched for him and his family for six years. My mom was no help since she didn’t want to have anything to do with her previous employer. So I was left to my own devices. And finally, through facebook, I found Jared’s dad. I sent the quickest message of my life to him and searched frantically for Jared’s profile. I found him and cried and cried. We picked up the pieces like it was nothing. We talked every day and into the wee hours of the morning. But, Jared was seeing someone. I tried to be respectful of their relationship, especially since I hadn’t seen Jared in so long. But it was hard not to feel like Fate had made all of this happen. Eventually, Jared and his girlfriend broke up, partly due to his inability to ignore Fate, as well.
Our friendship continued to grow, but we both eventually found ourselves in relationships. I couldn’t wait forever. I felt like he loved me but for some reason, he couldn’t commit himself to me. He ended up making some very big mistakes. He got one of his girlfriends pregnant and made another mistake that put him in prison. Despite all of this, I stuck by his side. Many of his family members turned on him, his friends turned on him, his girlfriend and child’s mother turned on him. But I stayed. I wrote him almost every day while he was in prison. I have scores of letters that he sent me in response. I would set aside certain times so he could call me and we would talk through everything. My life was insanely busy, but I made time for him. And through it all, I remained a steadfast friend. Still feeling like Fate had brought us and kept us together. I just kept waiting for him to see me as the person that could maybe make everything make sense. I was the missing piece if only he’d give me the chance. He would tell me he loved me, but I was with someone. And when we broke up, Jared never took the opportunity to make me his.
When he got out of prison, we still sent some letters and spoke on the phone a lot more. I eventually visited him. I had a boyfriend at the time. And we respected that 100%. But in my mind, I really did wish that Jared would express how he was feeling at least verbally. I tried to make things work. I still tried to be the very best friend I could be, even though I was getting nothing in return. And then he was finally going to visit me, but decided to run off with a girl he had just met. And then they started dating.
Now, I am single. And all I’m waiting for is to be asked to wait for him. Because I will. He is still dating his girlfriend, but he has been wanting to break up with her for months now. He just doesn’t have the guts to do it. He wants convenience. He is concerned with not hurting everyone’s feelings but mine. I always get put on the backburner. I always have to take the leftover time. So now, I’m giving up. I have felt like Fate brought us together. I have put forth every ounce of effort that I can. I have given and given and still am the heartbroken one. And I can’t do it anymore. He’s not the innocent boy in the pool when I was six years old. He’s now a grown man who acts like a foolish child. I feel like I have wasted so much time trying to figure all of this out and trying to rehabilitate him. I have spent so much effort trying to build him up and love him no matter how far away we were. I can’t keep putting myself out there and being rejected.
I’ve tried to tell him this. But he doesn’t listen. And I always fall back into old habits. But this time, I’m going to really try to keep my distance. If he never realizes who’s standing in front of him, then oh well. I cannot wait forever for my forever.
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