Would You Be Your Friend?
Shared by Michele Bolitho.
Think on this.
If I ask you what sort of a person you are, you may tell me: ‘I’m powerful. I’m thoughtful and kind.’ You effectively tell me you’re a good person.
Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind. This is what you want me to think of you. You want me to think of you as a person of value. You want me to think you’re ‘Worth it’. I may well do this. I may take your self-assessment on face value and don’t sense any deeper. That’s fine with me.
But are you being honest?
Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind. How true is this? It may be the appropriate way you tell yourself to inter-relate with me but is this what you really think of yourself?
Yes, you are powerful because you are running your own life. Powerful is accurate as I see it, but do you think you are running your life the right way? Are you successful at what you put your mind to, or do you berate yourself as ‘weak’, as ‘worthless’, as ‘hopeless’, as ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’? Do you call yourself a loser because you don’t achieve enough? How does that feel?
Is a dumb, hopeless self-professed loser what you deep-down offer in a friendship? This is not a happy gift.
Being called a loser is not compatible with feeling powerful. The vibes mismatch. If this is your private self-description, then a sense of being ‘out of sych’ inside will be inevitable––if you let yourself be aware of it, that is. You may simply just wonder why you rarely feel good. You may merely wonder why you rarely think you’re ‘worth it’.
Are you thoughtful about your own feelings? Or do you tramp all over them when you’re in a bad mood and mad at yourself? Are you kind to yourself? Or can you be really horrible?
Would you treat a friend the way you often treat yourself and expect the friendship to continue? ‘Stupid, hopeless loser!’ Would your partnership survive if you yelled this put-down at your partner? Would you partnership thrive or would thriving simply not be possible?
Our truth is love. Love is how, where and what we truly be. Love is our essence, our essential being.
Your relationship with your self is the one that sets the foundation for all relationships in your life. If your long-practised habit is to be unloving with yourself, then you’re out of synch with your essential self. You won’t feel good inside. Because you’re out of touch with it, you won’t sense the power of love that’s naturally within you. You’ll miss it. (But that never means it’s not there.)
To experience the power of love that we naturally seek, you’ll go looking for love outside yourself. You’ll expect other people to be your love providers. Your partner. Your parents. Your children. Your friends. Your faith.
No-one else can satisfy however, your yearning to feel centred, strong and in sych inside yourself. Understandably, you may well accuse the love providers you’ve identified for yourself of letting you down and failing to meet your needs adequately. You’ll insist they don’t give you ‘enough’. They really ought to give you more! And more. And more.
If in your perception, ‘significant others’ in your life fail to supply the love you feel the need for and expect them to provide you with, you may believe they have betrayed you. You may in anger, dismiss them from your life and go seek ‘new love’.
Without active recognition of the demands you always make, you’ll put the same demands on any new love relationship. Once again, over time, disappointment will likely follow.
Because you notice that it just keeps on happening, you may resign yourself to the disappointment. You’ll make your inner anger ‘settle’ to a slow, tolerable resentment. You’ll settle to a life ‘not fully lived’. Or you may decide to challenge your unhappy situation. You may blame your present partner of failing to fulfil your needs and then go looking for new love again. And again.
I can generalise about normal people’s relationships with themselves, not only because I’ve worked as a therapist with many hundred women and men, but because we’re mostly all the products of the same self-negating acculturation. We learn to treat ourselves badly and put ourselves down from adults who learned to treat themselves badly and put themselves down. We’ve all learned to think we’re ‘not enough’. This makes self-improvement everybody’s logical goal.
I’m not drawing your attention to your likely relationship with yourself to make you feel worse and so negatively incentivise you to make some self-improvements. I’m not trying to stir you into becoming kinder and more thoughtful with yourself so that you can make yourself ‘a better person’.
I’m not suggesting that what you tell the world about yourself should be in line with what you tell yourself about yourself so that you can stop feeling like ‘a sham’. I’m not saying that you need to work at becoming ‘your true self’.
None of the above.
I’ve written this post simply to draw your active attention to what I truly believe you already know. To help you realise.
How you feel on the inside will determine the nature of your relationships with everybody ‘out there’. With this active self-understanding, you may stop demanding that other people fill your love needs. You may cease to look judgementally upon them when they ‘fail’ you.
You may choose to be more kind and thoughtful with yourself, but not because you’re afraid you’ll get ‘worse’ if you don’t and you’ll put yourself at risk of losing more of the people you value from your life by way of alienating them. You may choose to be more kind and thoughtful with yourself simply because you’ve started to tap your innate love within.
You’d love to love you. I’m sure you know this. You know deep down that you don’t thrive when you are cruel to yourself. You know that you feel a natural resistance inside when you try to push yourself, just as you do when someone else tries to push you around. When you keep pushing yourself to improve, you also keep pushing against this pressure from yourself. Can you recognise this now?
Understandably though, even when your understanding’s greater, you may well keep pushing your ‘dumb’ ‘lazy’ ‘loser’ self to improve so that you’ll be in less trouble with yourself and won’t get so painfully ‘tongue-lashed’. Can you relate to this as well?
If you do keep giving yourself a bad time because you’ve judged that you deserve a bad time for ‘not being good enough’ or getting too much wrong, you will soon begin to do this with increasing realisation of exactly what you’re doing. With self-realisation, you can look compassionately on your sorry self within.
You’d love to love you. But the loving relationship with your self can’t be an intellectual set-up. It’s not from your head. It won’t come into being because you insist it should, because it would improve you as a person or make you achieve a ‘spiritual’ goal.
You’d love to love you. You’d love to feel that magnificent sensation of being loved, right at your very own core, with no dependency on anybody else to make you feel this way. You’d love to be your friend.
When your relationship with yourself is loving and friendly (with perhaps the occasional put-downs) what you offer in a relationship is a person who is genuinely loving and naturally friendly. You offer someone where what you feel is what you get. Nothing is ‘just talk’ to ‘sound right’. Nothing is ‘just for show’, or to give the right impression to earn some value points in someone else’s estimation.
You offer a person ‘in synch’ with self who’ll be easy to harmonise and relate with in a loving way. Your gift is a person who’ll co-create a relationship that’s not demanding. (And exhausting!)
Isn’t this the sort of love relationship we all seek in this life? It begins with Number One, right at the core of your being.
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