Is This Actually Happening?

Is This Actually Happening?

Shared by gisellajoma.

He didn’t succeed. At least not all the way. Did he? I don’t know. Standing near him scared me. Do I break up with him now? I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was trapped in my own hell.

It all began that morning, when my mother and I were fighting about something stupid, like how my room is always messy. Then I received a text message, it was from him. I smiled in relief and knew that my day was not completely ruined just yet because I was on my way to his house to see him. He would know how to make me feel better, he would know how to make me smile.

I opened the door and ignored the fact that no one was home, not his siblings nor his parents. I immediately brushed off that little voice in my head saying “you are alone with him, this is a bad idea, get out.” I walked into the living room and he approached me with a look on his face, which I also ignored. He hugged me for an uncomfortably long time and I knew he was up to something. I explained that I wasn’t in the mood because I just had a huge fight with my mother and asked if we could just sit down and watch some TV. He didn’t like that answer.

It started happening.

He began pushing me towards the coach, opposite of where the TV was. He started kissing me when I didn’t want to be kissed and touching me where I didn’t want to be touched. My struggle was no match for him, for he was a lot stronger than I was. My mind was screaming one thought: Am I about to be raped?

I broke out in a sweat. I started yelling at him, begging him to stop forcing himself on me. It was all happening so fast, it all felt like a blur. All at once, he came to his senses and stepped away from me. That’s when I got up and ran. I ran as fast as I possibly could back to my house, unable to even pay attention when crossing streets.

When I finally got into my room, I became overwhelmed with questions. Did I give him the impression that it was okay for him to do this to me? Was I dressed inappropriately? Who do I talk to? Should I talk to anyone? Will people even believe me? Am I a bad person? Will people judge me? The list of of questions and concerns were never ending, and they were all eating me alive.

The next day at school, he acted like nothing happened. I just stood there next to him, a lifeless body cold to the touch out of fear. I couldn’t break up with him because I was afraid of what he would do to me. A few months past and finally on my birthday, he sent me a text and broke it off with me. Our two year relationship had come to an end, and let me tell you, it was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.

I have told this story to very few people, and those who I have told all said that he didn’t technically rape me because we did not have sex. But, they are wrong.

When people hear the word rape, they automatically think it means sexual relations taking place without permission. But I wanted to share my story to let you all know that rape is not just when sex happens without consent, rape is when you are being forced to do something sexually, anything sexual, that you do not want to do/did not give permission to do. Either way, both are rape, and both are WRONG.

No one should have to go through what I went through. No woman, no matter what kind of life you live or what you think you have done wrong, deserves to be treated in such a way. And for those of you who have experienced something similar or worse, I reach out to you and want you all to know that you are not alone.

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