Shared by Twilight Princess.
I toss and turn in my bed. 1:43 am – that’s what my bedside clock tells me. Time to sleep and get some rest. But then, I can’t or shall I say, my brain won’t let me. It has been on the run the entire day. Well, my physique is totally exhausted. And I know my heart is tired. There is this gnawing hole in my core and it seems it grows larger by the minute. It’s as if my heart bleeds to death. I just wish death would come and this pain would end soon. But I know death is far from possible. I am emotionally in agony but physically I am strong. If only physical and emotional strength are directly proportional. If only strength of the body can influence the strength of my heart because honestly, my heart is dying.
Its been eight months since I first saw him. He is that foul-mouthed guy I hated so much. He constantly throw F-Bomb and all the swear words the world could ever know. He is ‘whatever’! I really find him annoying. Like I would want him to gargle bleach just to clean his mouth from the swearing. He was also grumpy. Always grumpy. Like he was the only person awake when the heavens rained all the hate in the world. I didn’t dare talk to him. I passed him by unnoticed, everyday. Even saying Hi to him was something i didn’t want to do. Then just recently, one month ago to be exact. I noticed his changes. He started joking around. He started smiling and exuded happiness and life. The F-bombs lessen and the grumpiness starts to disappear replaced by jokes and funny words. He also started to notice me. Joking around him became a normal routine whenever we would see each other. I always look forward to every encounter I will have with him. Every joke, even the simplest Hi-Hello seem so special when it was exchanged with him. He would joke around me, call me a kid because I am short and petite and I would call him old man joking that he aged five years every week. Jokes were always funny even some of them are just so-so. I always treasured the moments I had with him.
Everyday had been special. Moments are always created and treasured when I get see and talk to him. There was even a time when he would tease me if I know how to cook. I was caught off-guard ‘coz I was never been a great cook although I know how. But it’s something that I can never be proud of. But being caught off-guard sometimes make me say things I usually regret. And I was so defensive when he told me that I don’t know how to cook that I immediately said I could. And just to test my skills, he made me promise that I would cook dinner for him sometime. It was something that I even look forward even though I know in myself that I cannot cook a very awesome meal.
Then came the last day of that beautiful month. That day he was a bit off. He was not on his usual happy and jolly self. He greeted me and told me that he may say he is great that day but he would admit that he was lying. I smiled flatly and asked him why but he never give any details. The day ended without me being able to see him or talk to him except for that one short encounter. Then I learned something. Someone told me that he was going to court the day after. I saw him before he left home, he was asking for his shirt, the one I ironed the day before. But then there was some stained on the shirt that he decided to have it rewashed. He patted my head, gave me a super timid and flat smile,and left. As soon as he left, my workmate told me that he really is going to court and that he will wear that shirt. I was sad, really sad. What started as something so happy ended so sad. I never expected that he had a dark past. Somethings really don’t last forever. And it’s sad because what could have been something so great could’t last a lifetime.
I went home sad and low today. I ate ice cream and shut my mind so that I can act normally in front of my sister. But now, as I lay in my bed. As the coldness of the weather sipped inside the depths of my heart, I couldn’t help but ask myself again. Why? Why me? Why him? Why us? Why? Why do we have to know each other, was given just a month of memories and then everything abruptly end. There are a lot of questions. These have kept me awake in this unholy hour. But I cannot answer all of them. All I can have are memories, happy memories that I will always treasure. Sometimes, we are allowed to experience something so wonderful and precious, something so special in a short span of time not to hurt us but to make is realize that these moments existed. And sometimes, it’s not the length of time that you get to experience those precious moments but its the experience that counts, it’s the memories that we can keep and cherish for the rest of our lives.
I lie awake in my bed tonight. And God knows when I will be able to sleep. But I know I will get through this. Sometime, I just have to remember the happy memories to be able to keep going. And I will close my eyes hoping to get some rest that I badly needed with a silent prayer the he will be alright and that I will see him again soon. Maybe not in this lifetime, but soon.
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