I Don’t Regret This Love

Regret This Love

Shared by Maria.

Online Dating is a tricky realm to maneuver. I resisted for the longest time, thinking of my dreams for true deep love, and believing that I wouldn’t and couldn’t find such a thing on the internet. Well, I caved and started a profile. I am old-fashioned in some ways but I figured if no one was messaging me I would put myself out there. So it went that things went unanswered, but I never wavered figuring my time creating a profile was worth something, that I was worth something. Finally, I got a response from someone I liked- let’s call him Mr. Eager. He was so eager that by the third date (yes we actually got to date three) he had managed to scare me completely out of the relationship. A month later I was on the site and about to sign off and go to sleep because I’d been saying that for the past hour. A photo caught my eye. So I perked up and read the entire profile. I decided, I’ve sent so many messages as it is why not send one his way. The next morning was October 24th, and I was so excited because my birthday was in two days and my twin was coming to visit.

I signed on the site, now a daily routine, like my coffee, and saw that the man with the photograph that jolted me wide awake the previous evening had not only responded, but sent an extremely kind and positive message. I burst with excitement. This wasn’t just another guy acting sly, he liked my profile and expressed as much. Our correspondence back and forth became a deep emotional phase of my life. We talked on the phone a few times, but spent hours on Skype chat. He was personal, raw, inviting, kind, funny, comforting, and the biggest thing was when we finished talking for the evening, I slept like I didn’t have a care in the world. My dreams were peaceful and often involved him. Early into the communication he wanted to meet, but I wasn’t ready so we decided to give it time. The fact that he didn’t stop talking to me like others have when I wasn’t quick to meet meant a lot to me. Our first meeting was like something out of a fairytale that has an eventual back ending.

I remember him coming in his Honda and how nervous I was. I didn’t even feel the cold, I was so warm from the nerves. He emerged from his car and he gave me a giant hug. That followed by my confusion as he opened my door for me. I admit I was shocked by this gesture but I smiled and we drove off to the train station. I wasn’t used to men opening doors and I felt really happy all of a sudden. I have fond memories of us talking and laughing but what struck me most is how he was willing to be miserable in the cold, (8 degrees before wind chill) so I could see the parade. He was kind and honest as we chatted away in the café to warm up. He seemed to really open up and share things with me. I’ll never forget leaving his car perhaps too quickly and him saying Wait! I stopped. Can I see you again? He said with uncertainty in his voice. I simply nodded as I could not get a word to come out.

We had several more dates where he was kind, compassionate, and understood my medical condition but suddenly my fairytale was over. Despite the connection and bond we had made. Despite the way he caressed me cheek. On Christmas day, like a soap opera, it was so pathetic but it happened. He back petaled on everything and wanted to remain friends. I agreed but with the hope that he’d change his mind. It is now August, time has since passed. I still feel love towards him. However, I wish I was told in person and in black and white. Was he wrong to break things to me the way he did? Or am I a weak person? Should I regret this love? I don’t. Because it means I have the capacity to love unconditionally. I can only imagine how strong my love will be once the feelings of love are mutual. I recently reached out looking for answers but found none. So that is where I will leave it. I understand that no answer is my answer. I realize that may not make sense but by expressing my emotions I feel I said my peace and that was so liberating for me.

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