Heartbeat: Never Been Single

never been single

Shared by Confused girl.

To this day, I cannot remember a time in my life I have been single… Of course I mean from teenager years. I could write every detail of every single relationship I’ve had, I’m sure you guys would enjoy it. But I’m going to focus on my current situation and how it started. 4 years ago I found the love of my life, and today I have lost him.

When I was 13 I had my first boyfriend, Gerardo was older than me and a complete gentleman, of course I liked jerks so I let him go. ( to this day, I still think he could’ve made me so happy) then came Gerard when I was 14, one year younger than me and very popular guy in school, dark, tall and handsome. My dream…. I loved walking through the halls of school holding his hand and noticing all the girls hate me for it because I was a different race. I stayed with him until I was 19…. He was young and not committed as I wanted him to, he loved me. But we were too young and he did many things that completely ruined me. My self esteem, the love I had for life, the relationship with my family. (Because I knew Gerard was not the man of my dreams, I still led Gerardo on, and made him think I would some day leave Gerard…. I know… What a selfish bitch right. Gerardo left me alone completely when he accidentally got a girl he was seeing pregnant… He asked me if I would ever leave Gerard alone and I told him “I don’t know” to this day … I have not heard from him (I was 18 then).

When I was 19 I met the love of my life, Jose. He was a church going boy. I loved it. After years dating he let me know the very first day he saw me he knew I was going to be his wife. I knew it too. He would shine. Our relationship was complicated due to his immaturity and mine of course. We weren’t ready to be married but we got married 2 years after we first started dating, i was Pregnant. Things got Really hard, i found out he had a porn addiction which led to other horrible things. He cheated. The moment I laid eyes on him I completely let go of Gerard, Gerardo and any other boy you I had. I was completely committed. So I felt horribly betrayed. I still loved him though. Time passed and our differences grew bigger, stronger. No sex, no affection, no emotions. I missed him so much although he was so close. I know I acted like I didn’t but I truely did love him.
I decided I was moving out, I was done. I moved, took my daughter and left. Still thinking we could make it work.
I love attention, have never been single, at the same time I started talking to an old friend of mine. Who really just made me smile and forget about Jose, I grew closer to him and I actually started falling in love with the idea of having someone like him…. But wishing it was my husband who made me feel so wonderful.

We will call this friend Tony.
Now tony is giving everything I wanted from my husband . I Honestly love his company. But it’s so painful to see my ex someone else, as he also is dating someone.

Jose started dating his new girlfriend after he found out I was Dating someone . He seems in love. I think he’s going through the same thing as me, enjoying the attention this girl is giving him that he didn’t get from me. I still think he is the love of my life. I made a mistake for letting my old ways of wanting attention come back. And not being able to grieve the lost of my marriage. So I see all the things he tells her..(as I still have access to some of his email accounts) and it makes me so angry….. Angry he couldn’t just do the things he does ……… For his wife. … Why be so wonderful to a new girl. He takes my daughter and plays family with this chick… Who is probably like 19. I have seen this girl hold my baby girl and take pictures with my ex and my baby girl as if she was the mother. It breaks my heart that it’s not us as a family anymore on those pictures. I’m 24 now. I believe my husband wasnt ready to be a wonderful husband, but I had faith… Maybe In the future …. Once he matured we could be a family again. Not anymore. Tony is in love with me, and I honestly think I am falling in love with him too. But I still know I lost the love of my life.

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Heartbeat: Faking It

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