Heartbeat: Grieving


Shared by iwillneversayforever.

In my sadness about my returned shipment. I called my boyfriend. I asked him what is wrong. He told me he isn’t feeling the vibe. To be honest I started laughing hysterically until I was crying. I said “Your not feeling the vibe?” and continued to sob. His wonderful supportive response to me crying was “I will talk to you tomorrow.” I nearly died inside. I swear a hole ripped open inside me because I know I am loosing the man I swore I would love forever and I swear a gunshot to the chest would hurt less.

I want to roll over and die. I feel like I can’t breath. I can barely think. All I can feel is an aching in my chest, head and eyes. All I can think is how much patients I have exercised in the past always with the hope that we would someday be together forever, and now I don’t know if its really a headache that I have or my brain is falling out through my ears.

How can I go on? How will I ever be able to think of him with someone else? I will think of him with someone else and all I will be able to do is cry. I know because I just thought of him with someone else.

I know it sounds cliche but I don’t want to love again I told myself that since before he broke my heart. If this doesn’t work I am done. I was serious and no one but my son will ever have any room in this heart. I am tired of giving my all and then having everything I feel being tossed aside. Having no one care.

My nose is so clogged that in breathing through my mouth, I will probably cry for the rest of the week. It will probably take quite a while maybe a few years but I know I can get this heart break under control. If I was a different girl I would go have meaningless sex with someone, anyone I would do anything to stop this feeling. The pain is just too much to even comprehend.

I am making myself this promise right now. To stay single until my son is an adult. Adult meaning about 25 when he might be slightly releaved to find out his mother is not a lesbian. Since his father doesn’t care to give him stability i will. To attempt that I think its best not to have any other men in my life. The good new is I just save a lot of money on birth control.

I now have no reason to use whatsapp anymore. I also think I am done with social media. I have no other friends than the few people that might read this blog. So What else is there. My new best friend is my son. Since I have no other life I will be able to tell him anything and I am cool with that.

Its time My love stopped being treated like a door mat. I really hope this blog helps. I have nothing or no one else to turn to. I have never been this alone in my life. Maybe its exactly what I need.

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Check out some of our past Heartbeat stories:

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Heartbeat: In Love With Someone Else: The Truth

Heartbeat: A Long Way Down

Heartbeat: Feeling Lost

Heartbeat: Should I Apologize?

Heartbeat: Faking It

Heartbeat: The Heart and the Fear

Heartbeat: Oh That’s Right! I’m Single…

Heartbeat: Why Most Women Absolutely Hate Me

Heartbeat: The Midnight Detective

Heartbeat: So Long My Loveless Romance

Heartbeat: What’s Wrong With Being Safe?

Heartbeat: So What If I Fell…

Heartbeat: The Ultimate Myth: Men and Women CAN be “Just friends” (For Real)

Heartbeat: My Life, My Struggle, and the Love I Had

Heartbeat: Oh Love… Why So Brusque?

Heartbeat: Carrie Bradshaw

Heartbeat: Is “Exclusively Dating” the New Title?