Heartbeat: The Last Word
Shared by DD.
there are many reasons why my “fwb” is no good for me.
i am more than willing to put the 10 years he spent in prison behind him – he paid his debt to society, and i am not a judgmental person. however, he is only 36. he’s been “out” for a little over a year now, but i can’t help but believe that the 10 years “away” has invariably left him in a limbo state of grown adulthood. i’m no psychologist, but there has to be something to this.
he has 7 kids with 5 different women. and yeah, he was away for 10 years. his youngest are 12 (twins) and oldest is 20 or 21. he was a busy (and sexually irresponsible) man for most of his life. i have no children (on purpose). from almost the beginning of our situation, he’s talked about our hypothetical kids (a lot), etc., and i went along with it. i am a realistic gal, and i understand his motives. not only do we have safe sex, but i am on very reliable birth control (iuds are awesome). but, it’s obvious that he’d be happy to “trap” me, and that’s never a good sign.
he’s married. he and his wife have not been in a real relationship since he’s been out, but, uh, yeah (i didn’t know he was married when we first hooked up, but this whole married man thing is a sick pattern for me). neither of them supposedly have the money to file for divorce. whatever.
his “wife” is nuts. seriously. though she is in a new relationship, she has told him that she’d rather see him “dead or in jail” than happy. so, living 40 minutes away is likely a good (safe) thing for me.
he doesn’t make much money. to his credit, he got a job a week after he was released from prison, and has since been promoted. i am NOT a gold-digger, but with all those fucking kids, most of his money goes to child support.
i am a phd candidate, and he has no concept of what a phd really is. in the past, he’s referred to my dissertation as “that thing”. hear me out, i am the least pretentious person in the world, and i have never required that my partners be as “educated” as me, but to not even have a concept of what the pursuit of a phd entails? c’mon.
he’s not curious about my book collection. okay, this may not sound like a big deal, but it kind of is…to me. i have two, packed full, tall book cases (with mainly non-fiction cultural studies stuff), and NOT once has he perused my collection – even out of curiosity. i once joked that anyone who steps into my space, and doesn’t at least browse my books is…suspect. things aren’t looking good for him.
he was (admittedly) physically abusive to his wife.
he’s been dishonest.
so why am i hung up on this guy? the sex is good, but i’ve had better. he’s VERY good looking to me, but i’ve been with better looking guys.
i don’t get it, and it’s really fucking with me. i think part of it is that i am a control freak. i want to have the last word. i feel like he’s pulled back, and I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO DO THAT. i wanted the last word. plus, i’ve never been the type of woman to chase a guy, and i feel like i’ve left one too many irritated “why didn’t you call me back” texts/voicemails. today, i sarcastically (yet somewhat seriously) told him i was done with him. he said “ok” and hung up on me. fuck him.
i think part of it is that he & my former friend are now buddies. it irks the shit out of me to imagine them hanging out, etc. BUT WHY DO I CARE?
my sister says that this situation with him may be the universe’s way of showing me that i’ve “moved on” a bit from my ex and/or i’m ready to open myself up emotionally to someone else. who knows?
i’m a very witty, intelligent, attractive, never married and educated woman with no kids. i’m a catch, and i deserve better than him.
but, i’m trippin’, i’m sad & i’m down about this guy. why? ugh.
i want the last word.
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