Finding Me before I Find You

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It was on a rainy night around 9PM on a Tuesday. He suggested that we try out a wine bar in downtown and I thought it was perfect for a night like this. We ordered a couple of tapas and two glasses of wine and started taking. The conversation flowed easily, especially because I was really into him, and he had driven almost an hour in the rain to come see me. It felt good to be adored and be treated like the most interesting person in the world.

It’s been more than a year, and surprisingly, I still remember this night clearly. But it’s not because of him, but because of a lady who was sitting alone at the bar. She was dressed in a business suit, and was looking over some documents. I know that from just that description, you might have pictured a gorgeous lawyer in her fitted skirt and blouse, but she was more of a plain Jane. Dressed in a suit that was definitely bigger than her size, her hair was disheveled (not in the seductive bed-head kinda way), and her face looked of sheer exhaustion. Her wine glass was neglected as she was busy making notes on the papers. I’m not sure if she was alone because she was stood up, or simply because she decided to come alone.

It didn’t matter. She shined in my eyes. A man or woman who seems preoccupied in their passion is attractive regardless of their physical state. I was in between jobs at that time, so even that look of exhaustion triggered my jealousy. Now, it didn’t even matter if the guy of my dreams was talking to me over a glass of wine; I wasn’t happy with myself and I knew that no man could ever satiate my ego or confidence if I’m not satisfied with myself.

Love is important; relationships are important, but as I get older, I realize that no one but myself can really make myself happy. Relationships should work to supplement my current state of well-being, not be so essential that it defines who I am, or be totally complementary that I cannot be whole without a significant other.

Passionate love is great. Being head over heels in love with someone is an awesome feeling. However, I shouldn’t be lazy to fulfill my vision/passion/goal in life just because I’m busy looking for the love of my life. Love will come, whether I’m ready or not. It might come today or the first thing tomorrow morning. And that’s why it’s important to be able to love myself first before I get so consumed in loving someone else. Because we all know, once I fall in love, the word “me” gets lost in “us.”

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