Heartbeat: Feeling Lost
Shared by Drew X.
This past weekend I went to a friend’s birthday. I watched my buddy and his wife, and some of the other couples in attendance. The smiles, the touches, the shared looks. Simple signs of affection. And my heart broke for what we once had, that now seems a distant memory. My wife was there with me, but the casual observer probably wouldn’t have realized that we were together.
We were happy once, but somewhere along the way we lost our way. Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that she lost her way, or that I lost her. I look at her and I still see the woman I fell in love with, started a family with, and built my life around. I still see a woman that takes my breath away, and makes my heart beat a little faster.
Then she looks at me, and instead of seeing love in her eyes I see nothing. Indifference. And my heart is overcome with sadness, loneliness, and loss for what once was. I ache for her, and for her touch, but she has built up walls around herself that I have no idea how to breach.
I was finally able to convince her to start counseling, but although she’s there in body she doesn’t seem to have bought in. The counselor says that our problems are due to anxiety issues, and that she’s dealing with a chemical imbalance. I believe it, as the changes in her seemed to come overnight, like a switch going off in her head one day. But that day was almost two years ago, and as much as I love her I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. She won’t take medication for it, and wants to work through this on her own, at her own pace.
In good times and in bad. What does that mean? Where do the limits lie? She is so important to me, and my family is so important to me. Yet what we have become is not a life.
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