Heartbeat: Should I Apologize?


Shared by solomonsepiphany.

Maybe I should. When I first met you i saw you as a child with a crush. I never pictured you grown up. I never pictured you to return in  my future. I certainly never thought the day would ever come where our roles would be reversed and I would be the one left craving you in the end. As we both grew older we developed in our interests and talents. Our thoughts and feelings matured and even though we never barely brushed shoulders during those developmental years we were both drawn to the same muses. The arts and philosophies of the deepest of thought entertainers and dreamers. As time passed technology advanced with the invention of the social media sites where we once again connected. I was all set to catch up with an old friend to escape the stress of a current relationship gone bad. You seemed to set your sites on a different way to reconnect. Something more intimate maybe with a plan of a future together even. I was taken back and jumped into your fantasy as thoughts of our past began to resurface. To be honest I was surprised by your responses and often asked myself if maybe the crush you once held for me had never died. If by some sort of magic it had remained in the back of your mind leading me to wonder if it was always more than a crush from the beginning.  Whatever the case may be the way you spoke of my beauty was like a ray of warm sunshine on a cloudy day. My confidence was down because of the current failed relationship but every word you spoke brought me back up from the pit of my current despair. You threw me a life line. I’ve learned that when someone is in a vulnerable state of being it’s the worst time to entertain the thought of jumping into a new relationship but I couldn’t escape you and I couldn’t escape me. Part of me thought it through to the most logical conclusion in that we could never work because of circumstances extending out beyond our current abilities to rectify them. However, as the dreamers we dream and I couldn’t let the opportunity of the perfect relationship be clouded by such petty details as is logic. In other words, don’t confuse and distort my dream with the truth. Before you came to visit your tone had already changed. I suppose you came to the logical conclusion before I was willing to accept it. Or maybe something in the truths I spoke to you concerning me before you arrived awakened some sort of personal insecurity or fear of what people may say amongst each other upon seeing you at my side. The laughter or pointed fingers in your direction once they saw my broken smile. If that was the case I could hardly blame you after all, society’s judgments are cruel and often destructive to whatever image you try to portray of who you are. Everyone has a reputation to uphold I guess but real love knows no reputation. I guess looking back at it now that was the only sign I needed to pack in the dream and dwell in the reality. Even still the thought made me bitter towards you effectively making me a hypocrite. Never would I have stepped up to the plate had the roles been reversed but I still had the nerve to label you superficial in my mind. Then I got mad at the truths this had revealed to me concerning my true self that I had kept buried and denied for so long. The question remains should I be mad for your lack of patience knowing this is something that could be fixed? Should I condemn you for being superficial knowing I am the same way? Should I allow your partial imperfections give me reason to wholly condemn you as evil? Somewhere between two different stories lies one truth.  Wherein lies this conclusion: I made the mistake to let down my guard in the beginning and accused you of casting a spell on me causing me to be hypnotized by you. I’m sorry for accusing you. I then justified your decision not to get involved with me by saying it was because you were superficial. I’m sorry for being a hypocrite. When I found out you found your true love I disputed it. I’m sorry for doubting you. Most recently I got involved with someone so insanely jealous of any friendships I maintained with members of the opposite sex that I was forced to remove you from contact with me. I’m sorry for disconnecting. I miss you. I miss the dream and the one magic night we shared before you went away but more importantly I miss your friendship and your encouragement. Your light that is your life still reaches me and like a beacon it calls out to me. I long for the day that our paths cross once again.

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