Reblog: The Art of an Open Relationship
Shared by Heather M. You can visit the original post here.
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You’ve probably heard of the term ‘open relationship’ or ‘open marriage’. A mutual agreement between partners that enables each party to pursue sexual encounters outside of their relationship. A trend that possibly emerged during the swinging 60s – think tossing keys into a giant bowl to see who you end up with – but most likely transcended the free love era…except no one was talking about it.
A while ago, I published an article in the Huffington Post exploring the notion of monogamy and whether or not it was natural behaviour for humans. This sparked a flurry of heated comments and discussion and landed me on a HuffPost Live segment with a panel of “experts”. I most certainly am not an expert, but I find the discussion fascinating.
I recently met a woman who has been married less than a year, but has been with her partner for much longer. They have a loving and supportive relationship and, from the outside, seem really happy. I don’t doubt that they are. They also have an open marriage and bear no issue if one or the other wants to get intimate with someone else. With two caveats – they’re open and honest with each another and they never engage in extra-marital affairs in their own home. And it works. In the four plus years they’ve been together, she has had two other partners and he has had one. She did note, however, that once children enter the picture the open nature of their marriage may change, but that’s yet to be determined.
A close friend of mine has been in an open relationship with his partner for close to 10 years, and they use similar guiding principles where external relations are concerned. I’ve always marvelled at their ability to maintain a happy union knowing full well when one or the other is in bed with someone else. I remember one night we were having drinks as I watched my friend’s partner flirt with another man and – after an overindulgent amount of champagne – I shed my liberal views and told my friend that I thought it was weird and upsetting. His response was that he could be miserable and jealous, or choose to evolve and be open to it.
A greater concern, I imagine, would be the emotional risk. What if your partner prefers to have sex with someone else? What if the sex turns into something more? Could you share your lover sexually and romantically? If so, what’s the point in being in a relationship at all? I say this, not out of judgment, but purely out of curiosity.
Monogamy was something I struggled with in my 20s. Despite almost always being in a relationship, I rarely remained loyal. I would push the limits by engaging in public displays of affection with other men for the thrill of getting caught, or perhaps because I shouldn’t have been in those relationships in the first place. Maybe a bit of both. But I’m quite certain an open relationship would not have remedied my behaviour. Chalk it up to being young and reckless, I suppose.
Now, happily married, I can’t imagine venturing outside of my relationship. Call me traditional, call me a romantic schmuck, but for my husband and I, an open relationship is not something we wish to pursue. Never say never, but definitely not now (and it’s been 7 years).
While these couples may seem mythical among those of us who practice monogamy with our partners, they’re more common than you think. Could the next generation be more open to sidebar sexual relationships, or is this comparable to a recycled trend like high-wasted jeans and flower headbands? Would you be open to sharing your lover with someone else?
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I cannot imagine having an open relationship ( now or in the near future). I used to be extremely jealous. But now I even enjoy sharing my partner -when I am there too though, and with certain boundaries. It is exciting and quite inspiring… tenthursday.wordpress.com/2014/07/28/eight/
I find the types of relationships people can have quite interesting. Even though you rarely get to talk to people openly about it.
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I really believe in one partner per person. I know if you are single you may talk to several. But for me, I don’t share well and in todays world safety is issue.
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Reblogged this on Random Thoughts….
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Open relationships can be beneficial, as long as both partners go into with boundaries defined, and respected. Today’s society is too hung up on monogamy. Sex does not define a marriage, the connection you have with a person does. If you are basing your marriage or relationship just on sex, then it’s not going to last… Open relationship or not…
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I don’t know about this and I find it hard to believe that it wouldn’t be hard for a person to know that their lover was with someone else..
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I cannot imagine being in an open relationship. I firmly believe in the traditional two per relationship. I don’t share and wouldn’t ask it of my partner either.
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I’ve never known an open relationship or marriage to work long term. In my experience, couples turn to open relationships to help prop a failing one up. And usually it does. Temporarily. It’s new and exciting again for awhile. But then both parties realize they’re happier with others than they are with each other and, well…
As for whether monogamy is “natural” I think that’s almost a moot issue. There are evolutionary advantages to monogamy when it comes to child rearing. But there are also evolutionary advantages to men spreading their seed around. Overall, there are a lot of “natural” things human beings don’t do any more because society changed our behavior. Perhaps one day monogamy will be passé. Personally, I don’t think people will be able to shed the feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness that make open relationships so difficult to maintain.
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“His response was that he could be miserable and jealous, or evolve and be open to it.”
This is where I take issue with the idea. Yes, in the instance that both parties want and agree to this, that this is discussed as a precursor to a relationship, that this is a fundamental part of the -base- of a relationship – then great! More power to them!
However, when one party wants it, and the other adjusts or “evolves” to it, this I see as a problem – that will end badly. First of all, it’s just unfair to the person that doesn’t want it – it’s as if they are being led on by the polygamist. They think that at some point they will be enough; they believe with their heart that at -some- point their willingness to please their partner will be enough.
But it never will-
xLoJu
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I’m sorry you were so hurt in your marriage. I have a number of friends who’ve fought and clawed their way back to keep their marriages after discovering their spouses had affairs, and I think they deserve the utmost respect for working so hard to mend that relationship.
I don’t have any experience with open relationships, but I think what you’re describing isn’t an open relationship, since the non-marital relationship is supposed to be disclosed to I guess what you would call the primary? So what you experienced was a betrayal, completely. If he’d said, “Hey honey, I want to pursue this other person and come home to you, are you OK with that?” and you’d said “Yeah, sure, just remember to pick up the dry cleaning”, that would have been an open relationship.
Again, I’m sorry your husband did this to you, and I wish you the best in making it work!
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Oh, no, I was not talking about myself. I was talking about the husband in the original post that made this statement…I felt sorry for the husband in the OP whose wife seemed more interested in this open relationship than he did–
xLoJu
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Ah sorry, I replied to the wrong post. Pretend I knew which Reply link to click on please!
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Oh! Makes more sense! =]
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Yeah, really sorry about that confusion 🙂 It’s the dotted line separating the * Like and the Reply, I think!
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Okay… first of all.. anyone who says they and their partner both want to be in a monogamous relationship I say, never speak for your partner. Over half of all marriages end in divorce.. Various satistics state that up 60% of marriages have had some sort of infidelity BUT keep in mind the whole concept of an affair is secretive, sooo those statistics are probably skewed since people probably lie on the surveys in fear of getting caught..
Choosing to be in a monogamous relationship does not necessarily mean you will be. I was married ten years with two kids to find out my husband was having an 8 month long affair.. Ive met people now who have similiar situations. WordPress has a ton of bloggers on this issue. Spouses attempting to move on from infidelity. I think those that become the most comfortable in their marriage and believe infidelity would never touch their marriage are in denial of the satistics. I dont believe my husband married me to hurt me but it did happen. I think there are soo many that are hurt by this notion of thinking they in a monogamous relationship when in fact they are not. So choosing open or not as your relationship status is simply something you can only speak for yourself on. Because in the end, you can never truely know someone. You are not with them 24 hours a day. You do not know what their mind is thinkng. There are people married 20+ years who are blindsided by an affair or affairs..
So Statistically, we may all be in some sort of open relationship.
And, if you disagree with me.. If you think Im just bitter or angry… Im not.. Ive accepted my situation and dealing with it. But I am also now aware of the amount and prevalence infidelity is in the society we live in. Glamorizing affairs.. Theatrical versions of wives as those who hold husbands back and suck the fun out of things are constantly considered funny joke lines on tv.. Watch tv for a week and take note of how wives are portrayed and how mistresses are played by more sexier woman.. When in reality, um… well.. try shesahomewrecker.com.. cause most are nothing like tv.. But yet affairs are glamorized.. Hell look at desperate housewives.. Even modern family.. Claire is a strong character and smart therefore shes bossy, and mean and made fun of, while Sophia Vigaras Character is downplayed but because she is pretty then she doesnt play that typical mom and they didnt exactly give her the smartest character.. Its amazing how after his affair I finally noticed how the society we live in portrays them.
Do the research.. see for yourself..
… just… dont take anything for granted.. Do not ever think that that happy marriage bubble you are living in is untouchable. Cherish each other and hopefully you will be in a monogamous relationship… Sorry.. I got on my highhorse. Hope I didnt ramble too much…
Oh.. and I stayed with my husband..
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Ah, crap, I replied to the wrong post. Go see above please 🙂
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a sensitive topic dealt with care where one wants to debate. I am bit old fashioned and traditional person happy with one life partner.
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i like the idea i just haven’t convinced my husband yet
http://loveworksofheart.wordpress.com/2014/01/25/free-love-a-priceless-gift/
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I don’t think I personally could do the open relationship thing. I don’t think most people could at this point. I agree with the others who said that most often, open relationships seem go south because of a breakdown in the initially established structure. But I know of one polyamorous relationship that’s been working for years, to the point where the Other Man lives with the primary couple and helps them raise their son. The Other Man is apparently the wife’s dom, and the husband is completely supportive of his wife’s desire to be a sub. In fact, I think both the husband and wife are subs. Don’t get me wrong: this arrangement completely boggles my mind, and I don’t comprehend it in the slightest, but it works for them, and has been working for a long time. None of them have relationships outside of their own convoluted one(s).
To me, that says relationships and sexuality have a certain fluidity to them. This is completely theorizing, but I imagine it works as long as everybody involved is honest not only with each other but also themselves. If someone else is starting to supplant the primary partner, everybody needs to know.
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I’m pretty young, and pretty liberal, but I don’t really like the idea of an open relationship. It just opens up too many lines for a person to be jealous. What if they like their other partner more than me? What if they have more partners than I do? What if I can’t find another partner at all, and it turns into this horrible one-sided “open” relationship where your partner id just getting intimate with others while you are left with no one? I have a friend who’s wife suggested an open relationship because she was already involved with another man, and wanted to feel less guilty about. My friend, thinking “sure, we’ll both do this, and everything will be okay” but instead, she just got to hook up with anyone he wanted while he found no one who was into that. It wasn’t a good, healthy thing. I think, at the very least, it’s not an idea you should try to push on your partner. It can be a pretty manipulative thing to do, sometimes.
I don’t know. As someone who has been cheated on in every relationship he’s had, it’s really hard for me to get behind the idea. I realize that not everyone’s capable of being monogamous, and maybe that’s not our “natural” state of being, but I kind of would rather find someone a little more in control of their “natural” desires than try to solve the problem by screwing someone else to make it okay that they are.
I mean, if two people are going into it knowing that’s going to be the case, than fine, but I find the idea of one person trying to convince the other to do this really… not okay.
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Reblogged this on missjerre.
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I don’t know. I have a monogamous relationship and I think it is fine. I think being with one person mainly is best because you have all your emotions tied with them. But there is a lot of infidelity today, people intoxicated with the idea of the forbidden fruit. And actually look into the past and the lives we live today are actually some of the most pure. Look at records of how people acted before and you’ll see monogamy wasn’t always the case.
So I don’t know. Overall I like the idea of monogamy though. It sounds nicer.
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Reblogged this on apricotkid.
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I practice polyamory, which is basically having an open relationship. I have a primary and secondary partner, and everything is open and honest. We also have agreed to certain things, such as scheduling and safety concerns. in our situation, there are four of us (two women and two men, although the other woman in the situation is not currently romantically involved with either man, but has been in the past), and we like to see ourselves as a family unit. The four of us do things together as a family, such as weekend dinners and such, and we have individual date nights as well. Polyamory does not work for everyone, but it works for us. It takes commitment to be totally open and honest at all costs, and you have to be willing to deal with conflict when it arises. (And it will arise, because we are human.) But it can work, if all parties involved are willing to work at it, just like any relationship. Polyamory appeals to me because you don’t have the lying and cheating and all the drama that comes with most non-monogamy. This is something everyone can agree to and input on boundaries and such, and be respectful of those boundaries. It’s not for everyone, but it can work.
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I just want to start out by saying to each his own. Nothing is (when you think about it) truly normal, even the definition of the word is contradicting at times. So when it comes to the topic of an open relationship and wondering if it’s a trend.. I’m going to go with no. What people don’t realize is that when a large amount of people are no longer doing something, a large amount still is. I believe open relationships were going on and felt ‘normal’ for many people even though it wasn’t something people thought was cool. Moving on, would I ever be in an open relationship? Yes. I love experiences, how am I ever going to truly know if I don’t like something if I don’t try it? I’m a person who regretted a lot when I was younger and have to dealt with many what ifs. What ifs suck just in case you weren’t aware lol. If it doesn’t work out too well, well that’s what dating is for you move on.. if you’re just dating that person that you established that open relationship with that is. Perhaps you and your partner love it & then you’ve got a wonderful polyamorous relationship. We never know how our lives are going to turn out unfortunately, I feel everyone is looking for their own type of love that fits them & that’s the beauty of being more open to things outside the norm.
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Reblogged this on 3's Love.
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